Oct.10, 2019

5:21 a.m.

Feel better, feel better, feel better in Jesus’ name… This is going to sound pretty darn lame…. But uh, “yer boi” aka poor selfish pleasure seeking neanderthal took a day off work to determine the origins of this “pressure” on chest and back. Of course Doc says quit smoking, and of course theres gotta be a huge controversy going on right now about vaping! “This guy” has spent countless time in prayer concerning the crap I put in my body…and yes yes yes yes yes… This is such an appropriate time to jump off the “extended-suicide” cruise, but your idiot brother, friend, son, enemy, nephew, etc. Decided to test your doctor’s thesis… Because of course, they know”  squat.” (no infection..no germs.. My immune system is trying to fight off something I inhaled..overreacted and caused maaaad lung inflammation)

I was excused from that day of work, come back to work, inhaler (newly perscribed) which is actually sposed to worsen symptoms if used improperly.. (Lol, what can I say? I got skeletons: junkie, alcohol, addict, aaaaaand to hell with you satan)

It was mandated, at the job, that we could no longer miss days in our first 90 days. So I stayed up alll fn night coughing, sometimes blood, dunno whether from nose or lung, but I thought my head was gon pop off or worse; from some of those hacks. Lsshort..Im not missing another day.. i could prolly tip over at any sec. But I apprehensively threw away my vape and left all “toby” products at the house. Today is “real” one for me. If I dropped dead right now…… Id be a coulda’ shoulda’ woulda’ had lots of potential, and never quite made it… Aaayyyyeee!

At least Id have died listening to Kirk Franklin–Melodies from Heaven…I’m kidding..but I am serious.

*Self talk-* tighten up homie, we gon’ get thru today, and no vaping, no smoking, trust the process. Jesus loves you. Yeshua the king.

Oct. 8. 2019

5:41a.m

Increasingly upset, it’s only my fifth day on this job and I have the strangest crap going on with my health. I want to LOSE it. At 12 o clock, yesterday, a pressure on my chest and back continued to swell…meanwhile, I was working..which requires a good bit of movement. I have no one, literally, I feel like talking to. Talk to family and someone may worry, talk to others and they will just tell me how my own actions could have caused it (vaping, smoking, whatever)…I JUST want to work and do a good f—ing job. But along with the pressure on my chest is shortness of breathe. I hate this. Ive prayed but honestly Im not feeling very spiritual…and times like these I realize my family is NO different than anyone else out there, waiting for me to do anything contrary to holy, so they can point their fingers and say ha!! Theres nothing sanctified about your life. I feel like an asshole cause I wish I never started smoking again, at all. I feel very helpless, at the moment, I also feel like I need to go to the hospital.

Whatever fungus or germ or infection this could be, Lord Yeshua please dry it up that it may be dispersed and put away from me. Thank you for peace, a solution, and helping me wait on You.

10-3-19

5:51a.m.

First day, new gig, new job, new career, new opportunity; whatever you wanna call it. Got my brother, (blood),track Hot 🔥 on my playlist. https://youtu.be/y-wNDaP_M5U….proud of that dude..

So currently, posted in the lobby like a stamp

Bout to fly out the carrier

Triple X the ramp

No ice cube

Hot fire grindin these hours

Lately the M.O. been money respect and power

Never seen me coming

Ya boy aint got the big frame

But got schematic memorized

To navigate the mainframe

My cup runneth over

No cap no drain

Started with a mustard seed

Now kernels be pop poppin

whippin grain.

Thank You Lord for another one. Grace and mercy to the readers and fams..we TOO blessed. No doubt. I’m out.

 

 

 

 

Oct. 1, 2019

7:56a.m.

It’s ‘muggy’ here, like a stale armpit.

Interview 9:30 a.m. headin to the transit,

High up , praise up, to where the King resides,

Future manifest unto a comely bride,

Where all doubt, fear, and anxieties do subside

Bend in my chest where the treasure do reside

Birth emerging from the wreck where my worlds collide

Ive missed this state of transition, of coming alive

Life been speedbumps and head on collisions

Unscathed Ive walked away the culprit and the victim

Miracle, this day, miracle every word written

Outside of the institutions

Outside of the prisons

Freed up

Eyes open

Here I am doin more than just listenin

Use me as Your hand and foot

This Spirit more than surrealism

Cover me under feather

Paint me in crimson

So my walk aint just talk

And we get their attention.

Thank You Lord for space and opportunity. Your love and patience.

 

September 27, 2019

11:37a.m.

Its funny how when Im “on my game/feet” the general undercurrent for my successes is seems like “oh s***, he’s a rock-boy”..he sell dope and can prolly get me a pistol…. This is some straight up disheartening crap. Whats worse is that, sometimes, that path can almost seem f’n convenient. I’m just being transparent. The day is awesome, my health awesome, finances —> (contentment) and the down time is like yo?! You look good, smell good, you swaggin, nothing can stop you, go get plugged in and start running “some sh**”. I’m not going to get waist deep in that fact that there’s also a gang of men and women that push a ministry that promotes this cookie cutter like Christianity that should walk, talk, and act like “so” and if you make “such people feel nervous, then “you’re doing it wrong. I’ve been subjected to this ideology, victimized others, and yadda yadda yadda…I’m off that horse..but no joke..theres damage there as much as any dope dealer..prolly worse.

But as far as this decrepit imagination that manages to conjure itself from time to time, uninvited.. This is a cancelling and how I’m coping ‘in this moment’ cause’ it’s dumb as hell..for one…it’s ludicrous, two insanity, three..poverity…4 it’s bondage…5 and finally, it’s NOT me. I refuse to apologize for being honest with myself. I have come to care less more and more everyday what Pastors or potheads say about Their truths or ways of getting there. My history (nothing new under the sun) has to be in part ‘relevant’ in MY OWN, decision making. The greatest fact I will build on and can relate on with any man or woman is that Jesus Christ is the son of God and what He did on the cross, His resurrection power, life giving/sustaining/creating power, but as far as how someone walks that out; let the fruit speak. I am not ignorant, by any means, but unfortunately or fortunately (time will tell)…I’ve ridden many trains, and I refuse to say aloud, “this time is different”…cause’ we gon’ see. WE ARE GONNA SEE.

Thank You Lord for the knowledge of our faith being our only righteousness. Thank You for deliverance for Your daughters and sons. Your nation BE established, our identities made SURE.

9-24-19

9:44 a.m.

Two weekends ago, I played the harlot, and paid dearly for it. God, Im not worthy of Your blessing or anointing. I don’t know what is broken in me that yearns for destruction. You’ve granted me this life, today, to wake up and LIVE, please help me to do so. I haven’t given up but I can’t proceed without You. Help me to know and appreciate Your presence….to quit killing Your son.

91319

 

4:06a.m.

Nother’ beautiful Friday, we work we eat, we blessed. (Payday.) Its da regular chatter this morning. My coworkers is a trip and a half. Helps the day roll, I suppose. Whats on my mind is the housing letter I received yesterday saying Im being reviewed for acceptance and the combo of being offered a sweet deal on a beautiful work truck. I mean, the truck has major character…I love it, of course I love who made it available to me more. I have “x” amount of dollars and I’m just curious how all these things may convene. Lord, thank You for working out the details. Its game time for no games. I trust You. Help me stand, Lord.

91219

3:22 a.m.

Lock n’ load. Coffee in hand plus two “gutt grenades”. (Convenient store hot dogs, 3/4 loaded) At least that’s what “J” calls’em, Cool pre-Autumn air whipp’in through the cab of our truck. Thank You God for this life. The life I’ve awakened to, the body I’m in, with every quirk. It’s not perfect by far, but it’s my portion, and I look forward to see where we are going. Thank You for good health, Lord, and safety.

91119

3:07 AM
No joke. Yesterday, my coworkers and I were all looking like fried eggs…it had to be 105 plus degrees on the metal roof we were working on. We are on the way to job, now, but here’s the kicker; we intend on beating the heat by getting on the roof super early… I’m so hype, to say the least. Ready to put in the work, do a solid job, and safely dismount, ha! So, good day to all, May the God of Abraham, Issac, and Israel bless you and all your families.

Love you and miss you, Oma! ( My grandmother, her birthday was on 9-11)

September 10, 2019

6:23 a.m.
Who knew 2 day old Krispy Kreme donuts were so incredibly awesome after reheating them? (self looks around vacant white-walled classroom with empty school desk, then shoots arm up high, beaming 😀)
Two or three days ago, probably three, I was at the gas station hopping into the backseat of the work truck and just as I could close my door, this kid appears; wedged between my door and gas pump. He couldnt have been older than 10, and upon arriving he says, You wanna buy some donuts, he’s got a box of a dozen donuts in his hands. I ask him some real generic questions like how much they are? He quickly responded , “10 dollars but I got change.” I knew I was gon get the donuts, soon as he showed up; It was payday and the kid was fearless.
This morning I ate the last of those Krispy Kreme donuts after heating them and didn’t regret it in the least. And you can’t beat a glazed donut w/coffee on your way out the door. Today is going to be A1. Thank You Lord for good health and wholesomeness. Wherever thatkid is, Lord, bless him and his family, help him have a good day at school today, or wherever he may be.