June 11, 2017

3:41pm

Short story… church was good… come home to run guys to Publix (Redbox return). We had a flat tire when we came out of church… my friend was a little angry… he’s had a lot of trouble with his Monterro since he’s bought it…

Update on what’s currently going on in this moment… I’m sitting at the conference table and one of my instructors is over here ( Not normal, it’s Sunday.) packing one of the guys up that lived here… he blew hot on a breathalyzer… multiple times… I sat and listened to this guy tell me so much good stuff… he was telling me bout’ his daughters, granddad, life, how much he appreciates me, how much good is going on for us… what he was saying, how he was saying it, and everything he was doing… led me to believe he was clearly not sober… As hard as it was to do… I had to bring this to the attention of my superiors… I told this man I want the best for him, and that’s all I could say… Instructor is trying to get him downstairs right now… it’s not a good time… and it’s convicting the hell out of me because I’ve definitely taken this place for granted… and that is the fruit of complacency… disqualification… Dude has to give up his bed, ‘this’ future, and the ‘order’ that he had in his life, and ‘hit the sidewalk’ with a bookbag and the weight of his bad decision.

June 10, 2017

11:28pm

Went to a friend’s parent’s lake house today… ‘Sheila lake’… right over the SC/NC state line… Caught a gang of fish today from the dock… Caught 15 brim, which I gut and cleaned myself… fried them myself, also… my cousin text me after I sent her pictures saying,’ poor lil fishies’… I told her they ain’t poor… ‘they’re fried’… ( It’s the truth ) Ha!

We swam a little, fished a lot, ate a little, then fished till bout’ 3pm. I’m so tired, now. It’s so late… and I’ve neglected to put something out for church (clothes)… Half-way falling asleep at the page (head swaying back and forth over my journal). S’my own fault… though, we did have a very long, exciting day… No issues all day… everyone, minus two guys who did not go with us to the ‘fishing trip’. For undisclosed reason.

Praying now that God will continue to help me make solid decisions, good decisions, focusing on the good things in life; not what is wrong with the world. my job, my house, my brothers.

Thank You Jesus for Your covering, for Your many blessings, for purpose, for helping me ‘follow through’, filling my heart with gratitude… Thank You for reminding me to look to the things which are to come. We don’t have to die… today… people care about me… thank You God for sending help into the house and people who are serious about being a disciple… Father, thank You for being our focus. Helping us persevere.

 

 

 

June 9, 2017

11:07am

Was sitting on ‘hold’ waiting on information concerning my Monday and Tuesday next week… (Praise God!) I hit the office up (dentist) called them, and they said they’ve had some vouchers for me since May… I was like, “whaaaaaatttt!?” “Awesome!!” .. I’ve never been scared/nervous bout’ going to the dentist… I love going to the dentist…

Class starts at 12:30pm, so we’ll be leaving shortly… fridge is packed, (leftover pizza/baked chicken… Praise God!) Food hasn’t been an issue for a good while… Tod God be the glory, is all I’m saying… Largest issue at the moment is determining where the F3 guys and I are going to run in the morning… it’s an honour and privilege… we all get a chance to be the head of the group… tomorrow will be my first time… (Hopefully the First of Many Firsts!) leading the group… God in hind-sight… You’ve brought me leaps and bounds… Help me continue to put this world away from me, embracing You, the truth, and Your will for us.

9:39pm

Change of plans on two accounts… No longer running F3 in the morning… an F3 brother is going to cover for me while I am away… after careful consideration, I’ve determined not to visit Columbia (parent’s house) tomorrow because there is other stuff going on at home right now… long story short, felt like it was in my best interest to stay home… 6am we are ‘peeling out’ (leaving) house on fishing trip at one of our newer brother’s houses… and I’m down for anything that’s going to draw us closer as a group (house)… (barring indecency)… it will also give me a better chance to get acquainted with the newest members of the house… looking forward to it… the other changes that were made involve dinner being changed from left-over pizza- to sausage and eggs…

Thank You Jesus for love, care, grace, and mercy… keeping us safe also.

June 8, 2017

9:26pm

Working on the ‘vertical’… (relationship from God to self..) Jumped the gun today at work… I was tasked with getting some saw horses built to a specific standard… with four other very capable men and all I had to do was be patient and abide in Christ to see how everything was going to develop, to see God work… instead of bearing that and enduring, I made it my job to tell my instructors they need to establish who is going to do what and who was going to head-up the job… My feelings tell me that they are complacent at times- and they are comfortable, and they can afford to just kinda’ handle the day all ‘laxadaisy’ like… immediately my survival senses kicked in because one of my instructors stands near me a few days during the week, and prods me to lead and critiques every damn thing I do… (this is ‘worse-case’ scenario… he cares about us, but it’s pressure I’m not used to… the criticism sounds similar to something else; from the past, I guess, that apparently gets under my skin…) I’m used to my bosses (previous employers) telling me, “Damn, you did a hell of a job…” or ” if anyone has any questions about what we are doing, ask ‘him’… he knows what we are doing.” Or someone having me work with someone and I’m watching them–> helping them… NOT five guys who all are eager to work and think they know everything, or the best way to do something… so, instead of waiting to have my fear realized (fear of failure, dysfunction, chaos, all being pinned on the man who has been here the longest…) I told the instructors… “No, ya’ll need to A,B, and C”…. No trouble ensued, but it left me feeling empty because in more ways than one, I robbed myself… firstly, of an opportunity to see God work… to see how things may have unfolded…

Going to lay it down soon.. thank You God for helping me recognize the errors and helping me stand and not act rashly…

I did not trust my instructors and more importantly I did not trust You… forgive me Father… Thank You… for Your grace, mercy, and faithfulness.

 

June 7, 2017

6:23a.m.

It’s a pity I did not sit and write as I usually write, yesterday… it’s important that I keep the record because I do, very much, value the integrity of my entries… I must confess…

  I am still lying down (bed)… having read M.U.4.H.H.  I’ve realized that my devotion notes and some questions I answered yesterday are all there is to be logged… Now that I’m pondering those circumstances, what I do have is more than a little bit… and the nature of my journaling is about persistence, self-control, discipline, consistency, and encouragement. Never should I allow this to be a discouragement to me… We are not perfect (though, I’m told I try to be…??) I always thought I’ve just been trying my best @ life… Yesterday while reading (Bible), considering verses addressed to the pharisees I was convicted and encouraged by the verse that discourages straining at a gnat whilst swallowing camels… With all the good that comes with reading God’s word… You’d think we’d do it more often.

Thank You Lord for helping me to see You in my day. You are welcome here.

June 6, 2017

7:52a.m. (a.m. devotion notes)

Death will be no more.

Sin will be no more.

“Vampire” Christianity–>> people only want God (Jesus) for His blood.

Are you saved and know that you are?

God is for us,

not against us.

Sometimes….

“Shut up!!!” when the persecutions come. (Don’t be flippant….endure)

God is faithful, He will do it!

In Christ…

peace without anxiety

joy in spite of circumstances…

Abusive/oppressive parents??? (were they???)

*Don’t try to be a copy…

“You were born an original…”

“don’t die a copy…”

Kernel must die! ( John 12:24 )

*It’s not time to speak.

1 Corinthians– 2:9-10—->>Discerning of spiritual things.

The natural man can not perceive the wisdom of God.

mind of Christ (1 Corin. 2:16)

Are you natural?

spiritual?

worldly?

 

 

 

 

June 5, 2017

10:59am

Today is better…well… the day is the day… but through the embracing of those truths God has revealed to His children… the icky -decrepitness of sin is waning from my heart, my bones… I can’t earn my way to heaven, nor can any man/woman… it’s God’s goodness, His mercy, His love for us that has been imparted to us by His son… Thank You Jesus. You are showing me, teaching me, softening my heart, giving me a heart to know You… You know how I can tend to mistakenly get off track, monitoring the stats of everyone else’s salvation, sanctification, and get ‘strung out’… My relationship with You should be depicted in the cross by my being appropriated with You and Your promises (vertically) firstly… rather than those relationships with others (laterally/horizontally). I can’t properly lay down my life (outstretched) without that personal relationship with You.

The picture, in my mind, (of the process of growth I’ve been going through) has been one of a sword–>> glowing in oranges, yellows, reds… and the man working/forging the blade is about to cool the blade, but that is the part of the process my body is trying to reject… the most uncomfortable…

Lord, help me not fight the process… Everyone tells me I’m passionate about anything I do and that it can come off as aggression sometimes… I’m afraid that if I get still–> that the passion may dissipate… I see this now… Lord, make my passion a spiritual one… no longer carnal. It’s not occurred to me that there could be a passion that is not good… but I suppose there is a carnal passion… (duh)… That is probably closely identified with pride… Lord help me not operate in that wretched state of corruption… but in the Christlike passion of Your son… untainted, true, full of mercy, grace, and Love.

9:45pm

Bout’ to lay it down… should have been done reading this book… I’ve been a little all over the place, but after some reflection and some very much needed words of encouragement I’ve received through various sources, I’m feeling a whole lot better. (Various literature, counselors, worship, prayer) I really had to open up and allow myself to grab hold of any and every good word that I could… this kind of stretching, regrouping, and growing is all so very new to me… I spent so much of my life ‘checked out’ or walking away from my issues. Many times my initial response to my issues (even this past year) has been similar, but I’m learning to look to God… not just clicking into survival mode whenever I am faced with an issue… those with the hope of Christ are free to live their lives without the fear of death.