Today is better…well… the day is the day… but through the embracing of those truths God has revealed to His children… the icky -decrepitness of sin is waning from my heart, my bones… I can’t earn my way to heaven, nor can any man/woman… it’s God’s goodness, His mercy, His love for us that has been imparted to us by His son… Thank You Jesus. You are showing me, teaching me, softening my heart, giving me a heart to know You… You know how I can tend to mistakenly get off track, monitoring the stats of everyone else’s salvation, sanctification, and get ‘strung out’… My relationship with You should be depicted in the cross by my being appropriated with You and Your promises (vertically) firstly… rather than those relationships with others (laterally/horizontally). I can’t properly lay down my life (outstretched) without that personal relationship with You.
The picture, in my mind, (of the process of growth I’ve been going through) has been one of a sword–>> glowing in oranges, yellows, reds… and the man working/forging the blade is about to cool the blade, but that is the part of the process my body is trying to reject… the most uncomfortable…
Lord, help me not fight the process… Everyone tells me I’m passionate about anything I do and that it can come off as aggression sometimes… I’m afraid that if I get still–> that the passion may dissipate… I see this now… Lord, make my passion a spiritual one… no longer carnal. It’s not occurred to me that there could be a passion that is not good… but I suppose there is a carnal passion… (duh)… That is probably closely identified with pride… Lord help me not operate in that wretched state of corruption… but in the Christlike passion of Your son… untainted, true, full of mercy, grace, and Love.
Bout’ to lay it down… should have been done reading this book… I’ve been a little all over the place, but after some reflection and some very much needed words of encouragement I’ve received through various sources, I’m feeling a whole lot better. (Various literature, counselors, worship, prayer) I really had to open up and allow myself to grab hold of any and every good word that I could… this kind of stretching, regrouping, and growing is all so very new to me… I spent so much of my life ‘checked out’ or walking away from my issues. Many times my initial response to my issues (even this past year) has been similar, but I’m learning to look to God… not just clicking into survival mode whenever I am faced with an issue… those with the hope of Christ are free to live their lives without the fear of death.
1:14AM In the Morning
Can not sleep at all… been laying in bed for 2 hours… so much crap come at me, mentally/spiritually… all the way up to just ‘dipping-out’ and forgetting my obligations here… took me an hour, but I felt led to go there…’prayer closet’… was still anxious, and when I come out, my roommate went down stairs, my MP3 player was dead so I couldn’t listen to it… turned on light, roommate gone, found cord, bout’ to read… had grabbed phone to call a girl but withdrew hand the moment hand touched phone… that’s not the answer.. this too shall pass, I know, bout’ to do whatever I must… read, or whatever…knowing that this ‘trying’ will bring patience, and endurance… wisdom and understanding. This is not my fight Lord… I commit my will to you Father… I need you… and I know you didn’t bring me where I am to give-up on your promise. You are faithful Lord, thank you for renewal… forgive my thoughts Lord… thank you for healthy meditations.
May spend a little more time to elaborate on how ‘spectacular’ today actually was, but for now, it’s imperative I get some rest… up late enough as it is. Reading in Psalms… about Ephraim (descendants) and their ungratefulness… for God’s blessing them. Thank you Father for humility, steadfastness, resilience… and for acknowledging the desires of my heart, and knowing me in a way no one else can… thank you for supporting me and helping me to understand the desires of your heart for me… and making that my focus… thank you for clarity.
Jesus, thank you… thank you for the time with family today… and that’s it… this whole experience has been something I definitely would not have been able to deal with the ‘bittersweet rollercoaster’ that this has been. Seeing, is not the solution, but it is definitely important, concerning working toward the solution. Long story short, it is the holidays… and I’m definitely leaning on God to keep me throughout the rest of the stay… I love mom, dad, and my bros… but the song remains the same… Jesus, the Son Has to be the focus… He, is behind the ‘break-throughs’, He is mending spirits and hearts, He is opening our ears, He is helping us overlook offenses… and He is the power source… so, easily my focus drifts… not in objective, but in what the glue is that has kept me thus far… and that old familiar ‘impending darkness’, but nothing, nothing, nothing, close to what it was when I lived ‘like that’, in that ‘muck of a mess.’ I’m not guarded against impending doom… I’m guarded against disabling myself in view of my younger brothers, or any of my family for that matter… in my pride and ego and self righteousness, etc… my usability is brought to ‘nil’, Christ is not revealed in my boasting, or in my getting ‘puffed up’… Getting low… in humility, in prayer, in pursuit of the kingdom, and it’s advancement.