July 28, 2017

4:17pm

Speak to this heart, Father. Illuminate my life with the understanding of the scriptures… of Your love for Your children. Thank You for the opportunities we have to share that love with others. We don’t have to be ashamed. Thank You for liberating Your children from darkness and sin. If we fall, You help us to get back up. Thank You for the quiet moments we have to spend alone with You. Thank You for helping me get home today, safe.

There’s so much going on in the world, but thank You Lord for supplying the needs of Your children.

Brother, keep reaching out– continue to seek God’s face– seek Him and He will reveal Himself to you, and He will deliver you into a life anew. You will be as an entirely new person. A person who lives contrary to all that we have known, said, or done. Everything we have believed about ourselves will be dispelled, that does not glorify God.

Thank You Jesus, for good health, and the ability, and time to praise You. You alone are God, and know all things. Your will be done Father… thank You for making all this possible.

July 25, 2017

Cut the crap out of my finger, today. It was bleeding, how do you say? (Hispanic accent) Profusely. Managed to do this on a ladder while instructor was telling me not to use a utility knife, right before my ‘Tech’ teacher shows up to have us perform a demonstration of tools, how to use them safely, and any tools that may not be safe… go ‘flipp’in’ figure. Then, so, I’m try’in to sneak around and hide the blood (semi-successfully) aaand… blood is going everywhere, the whole time, the enemy saying “all your instructor cares about is you making him look bad, you know what the hell you were doing… if he wasn’t standing over you, this woulda’ never happened.” So, this thang’ right here was doing what it could to fester’ and it was working, so good… cause’ as much work as I’ve done (which is whole frigg’in lot, apparently, in comparison with many guys I’ve met.) I’ve never had a run-in with my knife like I did, today… I lost focus… and this lack of attention could literally cost me so much more if I keep it up…

God is keeping me, and that’s the truth.. the truth I know I can abide in, still yet, pressure burst pipes… I know that I know that I know my perspective has to change… cause’ much of it ,(stress), is unnecessary; (I think, or maybe not) either way, I’ve got to learn to ‘roll roll roll with it’, without drinking, without smoking, with Christ. Thank You Father for helping me trust You, daily, and helping me change this bandage. (Literally, change this bandage ūüôā )

July 24, 2017

Sidenotes:

Struggl’in with the same sins

like, hand back in the garbage can

reaching for a vine when I’m in the quicksand

but when I’m walk’in on da’ beach

I’m all bout’ mak’in up my own plans

energy depletin

losing my desire

for my life at all

cuz I got leaches tached’ to every vital organ

heart numb to instruction

property of the darkness governing

the air of the world the inhabitants

till’ Christ cracked the ‘ammonia’

under my nose

no longer froze in sin grip constrict’in

clarity com’in

the focus ensuing

the gospel renew’in

the path that’s been proven

the perfect lamb- walk’in- talk’in- and breath’in

beat’in down-

incarcerated- ridiculed

literally hated

for crimes not committed.

6:40a.m.

This morning, among other things, there are two things on my heart… the one is ‘It’s not all about me’… (though, I regularly fall into this delusion.) The second thought is ‘cancer’ is not not not winning! I wanted to shout this, during my morning (group) exercise… the guys in my group (don’t live with me) they had long faces and I felt sorrow over those who have passed, and are being hospitalized… chemos, dialysis, etc… and the familiar cloud, that I’m also ‘picking up on at my church; a cloud of sickness that comes with a sense of woe and seems like a submission of defeat, not a submission of a trust that brings life or joy… and Spirit inside me was saying, firmly, Chris is our King, our victory is Him, and cancer is not winning. Thank You Father, for promoting spiritually healthy thoughts, nourishing our spirits, and delivering us from hurt; within… we will be afflicted… but, it is ‘light’ it is temporal… help us not to question God in doubt… we will suffer persecutions, but it is working for us. Thank You Lord for taking thought of Your sins and daughters.

Closer to 9pm than 9:20pm:

We had a full day… wake up, F3, oil change, home, class, golf course (I’ve never been/ outside of times where I performed maintenance for the courses. Didn’t play today, I’m saving (can not afford golf to play golf, right now. But it was a good time nonetheless.)

We got home around 8pm, but I am worn ‘slap-out’ so it’s ‘pillow time’ Thank You Jesus for Your graciousness, liberty, deliverance, and working in the heart of my friend… (He relapsed a few months back, Lord… and so many shunned him and looked down their noses) Thank You for restoring him Lord and driving him to call me…and keeping him from giving up in pursuing You and drawing those to him who can actually walk with him and draw him out of the ‘cycle’ he’s triggered… Thank You for helping us all, renewing us, and giving us some momentum, Lord, thank You, I love You.

 

 

July 14, 2017

3:25pm

Four flags on the play! Hungry. Angry. Lonely. and Tired… it’s a lot of the same old everyday occurrence of ‘headbuttin’… something isn’t adding up in my spirit, for real, cause’ it seems like I continue to bite on the bullcrap lies the enemy throws at me through my past, and my ideas, coupled with my surroundings… this time it’s the lie that I’m not good enough… and I’m not, in the sense of being perfect; and, in the sense that I’ve got so much to work on… so, why the hell do I get so angry when my instructors try to share their view of how I’m also– worse than I think. I mean, that’s how the hell I take it..(receive what they’re saying). It’s like dodging dang raindrops… maybe it’s because of this type of dodging and adjusting myself that has fueled the frustrations… it’s ridiculous, YO!.. I’m not blaming the men, cause’ it’s obvious.. there’s nothing wrong with his¬†view of how things are… but there’s definitely something wrong with how I view the ‘life’ he is attempting to speak into me… I don’t don’t don’t agree with all of his view of how people are supposed to do things in the workplace, at home, etc… but this journey hasn’t been a game for me and I’d prefer not to discuss anything with him, if the whole discussion is going to threaten my existence/reality where I am… People want me to graduate, I want to graduate, but like I said, before, it’s been, solely the grace of God that I’m still here, today… in life, and living where I am…

Jesus, thank You, I’m like stupid frustrated right now, and extremely bruised of heart… giving up is no option, but Jesus if my eyes have been blurred to something that is hindering me from responding to these incidents the proper way, Lord, please help me to see clear…

You didn’t bring me this far to miss the boat… I will be calm, Father… thank You for rest and helping me to stand. Your will, Father… not my own.

April 8, 2017

1:08am

¬† ¬† ¬†It’s one o’clock in the morning… my night light is a hand crank am-fm radio, complete with flashlight… come upstairs to go to sleep… Before going to sleep, for the nth time I’ve thought about this, and I won’t put it aside, tonight… this is proof and the evidence… the Word says that a prudent wife cometh from the Lord, and my memory retires at any attempt to recall the number of times I’ve wondered what she’d be like… where she’d be from, what she’d sound like, what kind of interests would she have… Focus is important and God has given me that… Patience is important and God has given me that, and perspective… to understand that patience isn’t for me to “wait for her” so much as the patience is for me to be patient with my discipline, training, and instruction… when it’s time, it’ll be time… and we will know… thank You Jesus for fitting me as a capable man, son, brother, nephew, cousin, grandson, and husband. I trust You.

11:12pm

¬† ¬† ¬†Today went extremely well… cookout, volleyball tournament, resist temptation (successfully), grocery shopping, back home, ‘peace’d up’ everything with parents, cooked (cheeseburgers), watch t.v./movie, bout’ to lay it down for tomorrow… another big day with ‘Mentor name here’ aka the Pilgrim… he runs like that all the time it would seem. City to town to state…. it’s an admirable ‘walk’, it is, and I’m not aiming to miss the mark, but to accomplish the Father’s will in my life, as well.

April 3, 2017

8:36pm

¬† ¬† ¬†There are some seriously disturbing news stories on the show ‘Primetime Justice’… kidnapped girls, kids and women being stabbed, shot, killed… I can’t help but ¬†be ‘taken back’ by it all… and the death of those ‘friends of the family’ in the past week… my dad’s friend, her funeral was today, my brother sang at it… I did not dwell on any details of either death… God is a God of mercy, of grace, of perfection, of comfort, of peace, and of Love… I believe the young lady and friend of my dad’s are in Heaven… I didn’t call my parent’s house, maybe I’ll call my mom here in a few minutes.. but the whole matter… I can’t ‘be’ there for everything that is going on there… my life is here and now… and I’m hurt knowing all of the people who’ve been effected by this… for the families involved… All day I’ve been telling myself (whenever my thoughts ‘go to home’)… that this is not about you.. give God gratitude… ¬†for your family… praise God for His goodness… pray for your family… pray for the families… keep your head up for the trust you can place in God.

¬† ¬† ¬†I’ve wanted to speak with someone and I have ‘very little’… I’ve also felt like it’s not much to discuss outside of prayer… the families need prayer. Lord show me how and what to pray for… give me the perspective on this; that sustains life…

December 25, 2016

Christmas Day 9:39pm

¬† ¬† ¬†Doesn’t even seem as late as it is… there’s a tree dancing on the screen of the laptop I’m sitting behind… Guilty as charged… I’m on the infamous ‘facebook’… still on pass, still at my parent’s house… I’m sitting at the kitchen/dining room table, mom is sitting across from me, house is ‘quieting down’, younger brothers are on the couch and loveseat, ‘sprawled out’, one of mom’s favorites is playing on the PS4 (the latest Jason Bourne movie)… life is good… aside from the minor squabblings brothers have- this holiday has been one of peace and growth… 1 Timothy 1:11 is a verse that I read today that validates a ‘truth’ I have been living out for a few months now… I drew strength from a meditation that God entrust me with the knowledge of the Son… that I’d accept the message and carry i… by His grace and mercy… not that I would cower in fear of failing (more or less) The scripture states, and I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who hath enabled me, for that He counted me faithful, putting me into the ministry…’ this scripture encompasses the whole idea, one which is founded on truth, that Christ counted me faithful, putting me into ministry… He didn’t call me, that I would ‘maybe’ work out, or ‘maybe’ follow through… so, who is ‘doubt’ (e.g. Goliath) that I would allow him to defy the armies of the one and only true and living God??? Thank you Heavenly Father for your adoption, for your mercy and grace.