Thank You Lord for the men and women at the Spinx (gas station), thank You for territory and the recognition, thereof… Thank You for helping me understand that no church is confined to it’s walls… thank You for granting me understanding with all the ‘getting’ of wisdom… accompanied by the desire to pursue you over any and everything. We’ve not been delivered to death but into ‘life’ with purpose and function and assignment.
Three days ago I picked up a newspaper, and decided to read it two days ago… there was an article where various pastors were questioned concerning whether or not they were worried about attendance and whether or not they’d sell their buildings as the surrounding areas were gentrifying… this was a particular concern for one pastor of an African American church who stated that there was a concern for their churches future because all the neighboring areas were becoming ‘condo-ous’.. and the tone of the whole article was relatively ominous… full of despair… in my mind… I’m thinking ‘HOPE!!’ brother… hope!!! This is also bout’ the time I’m thinking, so…. without the building- do we quit worshiping??? or because a congregation is prominently white or black- you will refuse to attend it? Or, because you will only worship God in a particular way among others who worship the way you worship? If these are the cases, then is this worship? True worship??
Lord, thank You for showing me that as I breathe, Your spirit rest on me and in me… and that wherever I am there You are, and the living spirit of the church… not the spirit of doubt or fear.
Sitting, now… Been in and out the house all afternoon… The day was a ‘lil’ staticky, but after parting ways (myself and another individual hit the gym, some other guys stayed home, another guy went to a class) we all kinda’ leveled-out to some degree… which is great, cause’ my head was a lil’ warm and my boat was rocking ever so slightly… nonetheless–>> all that momentum (bad energy) dissipated. God is the Great… He is the Mighty…
This afternoon, housemate and self took a trip to gym to participate in a barbell class… I was sooo excited… he was too… so we were all pumped up… he’d taken his pre-workout drink, and I had some ‘pep’ in my lil’ Pumas… so we get to the gym, and our instructor is getting the tunes setup. Woman after woman after woman comes in the class… and I dunno what to expect, whether the women are looking at ‘us’ crazy, or if it’s all in my head… then… the music starts… HA!!! and I’m not gonna lie.. them lil’ 10 and 20 pound weights got intense… my elbows started sweating! I didn’t even know elbows could sweat! Ha! I felt weird but great! (Somewhere in between Bill Murray in the movie Space Jam and Eddie Murphy working out in the Nutty Professor) but lemme’ get off that for a moment… (yea, my legs was like wet noodles when I left, but it was worth it, and it was fun.) I’ve just finished sitting and working through some things with one of my bros. here at the house… and God is perfecting that thing in us… He is that iron that God is using to sharpen me… we are both called… and it is a beautiful thing the Lord is doing with us. Yea, we trip over our feet sometimes but we gon’ walk it out nonetheless.
For at least three months (past), very rarely have I consciously made time to sit and write, leisurely… I’m cramm’in to take up space on the page… there’s a one page minimum rule I abide by…(self-imposed)… this particular evening, the guys and I have ventured to the river… some guys are fishing off an abandoned bridge, a few of the guys are out in the other direction fishing farther upstream. When I began writing in this journal which has now become ‘these’ journals… I had not an iota of sense of where I was, who I was, or where I was heading… I was ‘ship-wrecked’… no food, no drink, no home, no direction, ‘sail-broken’; very little hope… without balance… with a heart cold, callous, and defeated; filled with shame, guilt, and condemnation. A jarred perverse perception of what love could be… I was beat…
Today I’m sitting in the middle seat of a van out by the river, accompanied with various literature; to supplement the bible reading I’ll be doing here shortly. Made a deposit today into multiple accounts.. whereas, there was a point in time where I was blowing over 700.00 a week due to addiction… yea, my job was great, so was my super-toxic co-dependent relationship (kidding!!), my drinking was an act of ‘drowning willfully’ and when I moved on to ‘streetwalkers’ (prostitutes) and ‘harder’ drugs… yea, game over… death was at the door… the message today is the same as it has been for me at the start of the journey; March 30th 2016… this young man took ALL of his experiences, opinions, etc. and pushed them to the edge of a cliff… ready to throw himself and everything else off… with his last hope… he made an investment in Christ… He said Lord Jesus, I’m going to turn it all over,and give you the reins…I’m going to put You first Father, before anything else, and before everyone else… please show me a better way… and the mere fact, today, is that I’ve the privilege to be a walking/talking miracle, and to know the worker of the miracles personally… things go well, things go ‘south’ sometimes… but the peace, the joy, the faith… surpasses all that…
Christ, You are faithful, You chose me… thank You for this life and the opportunity to share the Good News.
Hallelujah! Thank you Jesus, Praise the Lord! Today was all the way ‘legit’! Went on a Sunday trek with *mentor name here*… took two housemates with me and it was an adventure from the moment we took off… Praising the Lord, sharing our weeks, getting our hearts ‘zero’d’ in on the Lord… opening our hearts and embracing God’s presence in our lives. It was great to be able to share the day I usually spend with *mentor name here*, with my ‘brothers’ also. It blessed them both in a major way… blessed me also.
We made a visit to another man who is on the road to recovery… The reward of having our relationship with Christ… and with each other… it’s amazing to say the least, and it’s a new day, every day is new with the LORD…
Two or three days from now I’ll be moving downstairs to the ‘Master Suite’ you could say… with the position I’m getting in the house… you get a room to yourself… so, I’ll be looking to implement some old strategies to assist me in the getting up in the morning… I’ve had to tone it down a lot to work with my roommate… but the moment I get in this room in a strict wake-up routine is going to be implemented… I gotta get up earlier that’s all there is to it.
Thank You Father for Your will in my life.
Letter to Self (personal example)
Kept in my wallet at all times… I read occasionally as a supplement of sorts. This letter was written as an exercise, in the first months of my journey to liberty in Christ.
Thank You Jesus for Your saving grace and restoration.
First off–> Head up homie! I love you! I love you very much! I’m writing from “where you’ve been…” you and I both know how rough it has been getting to where we are today. Put all thoughts of ‘using’ away from you!!! at least while you are reading this… whatever you are going through… mad, angry, sad… it’s not worth “YOU”,–> the real “YOU”. The you that you are right now while I’m writing this. The “YOU” that you are in Christ. There’s no woman worth it, no amount of high worth it… TRIX are for kids and if you get high or drunk you are a sucker… want the finer things–> set your affection on things above… I N-E-E-D YOU! Kyrell, Kendale, and Keldon, Mom, Dad, Kam’ron—- Call someone, go do something for someone, whatever you do–> don’t use–> don’t be an idiot–> don’t be deceived, the devil is a liar and the father of them. Cats have 9 lives–> you don’t–> how many more have to die before you see you’ve been spared??? God is going to hold you responsible… You have to “push through: or you’ll just be ‘playing’ yourself, and for that, there is no help. If you get high/drunk right now, whatever you have going on will get worse I promise you. Self-control Kernel–> I need you to play like a champ right now! Not like a rookie. Making this decision like a King and not a peasant. You are blessed and highly favored. If you aren’t home. Get home! Now! If you are home–> Pick up the phone and tell someone what is going on! Regret–>Death–> thoughts of resentment–>feelings of worthlessness–>like you are 2ft. tall–> that is NOT what you want! Shake it off! In the name of JESUS! I love you Kernel! I do for real! We make mistakes and certain things happen that we can’t control, but when you push through this I promise you will feel better and things will work out. They have to! All things work together for the good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28 I’m soo DAMN PROUD OF YOU BRO! Shake it off!
It got late real quick… sitting upstairs in my room, with my roommate– strumming the guitar and singing a little bit… no work tomorrow, so we’ll probably stay up a little while talking… it’s great having a network… you see, here’s how having a network played out today… went to work with, came home, went to bank, came home, called Bob.. he invited me to Pickens, SC to grab some authentic natural honey… called mentor… left a message- told him I was doing well–>> he text me later and let me know he was good, I made dinner for me and 2 of my roommates, (their appreciation was a blessing.) my aunt sent me an email, another friend sent me an encouraging email, some of my other roommates asked me if I wanted to go to the gym… and wal-mart… the list goes on… it’s good living in the light, and God is good All the time.
After we’ve played some more songs… I guess you can call them songs… and sang some more… it’s time to get some rest… after praying and reading– I’m going straight to sleep. Thank you Lord for your coming… I know where my help comes from… thank you for helping me resist the enemy… thank you Jesus for victory today… and joy… thank you for healing *her name here*’s neck and being with *Brother’s name here* girlfriend’s family in this difficult time…thank you for good health and directing my steps.. thank you for your perfect plan. Thank you for your perfect plan. Thank you Jesus for working in my roommate’s marriage with him and his wife and child… thank you for peace, contentment, boldness, gratitude, mercifulness, perseverance, longsuffering, and compassion. Your will be done.