June 3, 2017

7:36am

Good morning life and wisdom and knowledge and blessing. Feeling good bout’ the decision to stay home and reflect… woke up bout’ 5:30am for group (F3) and we had a super-chill morning. There ‘s something about waking up early to meet the sunrise. Literally starting the day off on the right foot…. the less trodden path… (majority of people are not dying to wake up and exercise…) I’m glad to have been scooped up by these guys (F3)… they are good support…

Haven’t made plans for the rest of the day… prolly’ spend most of it round’ the house… I have never had trouble keeping myself occupied… that’s one of the perks of having floundered into so many backgrounds, cliques, and social groups… I’ve picked up many hobbies and interests… many mediums by which to channel and express ‘what’s inside’… (Hobbies are great… but not without respect to priorities…)

One of my main objectives today will include personal time with the Lord and ‘keeping my hand back off the stove’… (temptation)… cultivating the trust of God in me… I know He is taking care of me and my relationships, and still… I know what’s best…(picture that lol…<sarcasm> knowing what’s best for yourself…   🙂 ) That’s the vicious cycle… and yet, it doesn’t have to be… I have to stop giving the enemy space to tell me I don’t know God’s will… God’s will is that I prosper… and continue on the path that He has set before me.

Restore my desire Father… help me stand… endure… keep going… embracing the truth and peace.

 

 

May 22, 2017

4:05pm

Fresh notebook status… (2nd page of new notebook)–Rarely do I write on the first page… (I’ve grown accustomed to that first page, of any notebook… getting mysteriously ripped out. :/ )

In my bedroom sitting on a ‘foot x foot’ box/crate that I made at work… (reminds me of Donkey Kong…ha!)

Woke up this morning about 6:47am… also with the intentions to fast… being that I’ve felt so led… because I’m tired of some of those struggles I’ve been trying to thwart, single-handedly, those fleshly desires, that arise more, now… than they have in a while… not as a direct result of anything I’ve done, but in some cases, I did not help either…

Nonetheless, from square one, out the bed I got up later than I had been determined I would, last night… After heading to kitchen, it seemed, instance after instance, that the day was just going to go left… as the day continued I prayed, worked, and ‘got low’, meditating on the desire of being on with the Lord… (as Jesus prayed, John 17)… and maturing inf aith, hope, and charity… I’m not sure of every aspect of where I am being led… actually I know very little… but I believe that where I am being led calls for another kind of yielding to the Holy Spirit… Throughout the day, there have been minor urges to go eat, bu that is redirected to what/why I have made this commitment today… the desire of a more intimate relationship with God… and victory in various areas of my life where I am not doing great… where I am struggling.

God has strongly impressed on me that some of the disconnect has not come solely out of things that I am not doing… but in those things that I am… by trying to force growth… I can promote and encourage growth but it is the Holy Spirit who makes things known to us… and helps us to apply that knowledge in a practical way that begets growth in the lives of others. The rest of the evening… I will mostly be reading, and meditating… most likely not a whole lot of venturing all over the house… this time is precious to me… I’ve gotta’ make a run with some of the guys to wal-mart, but when I come back, I’ll be back in my room seeking direction. Thank You Father, for liberty, and family, Your grace, and mercy.

May 8, 2017

9:31pm

Got through the day, Father, relatively ‘laxed’ day… Did some painting, got a review on my work ethic, leadership/communication skills. That was a blessing… I was really looking for the instructors to tear into me, (ruffle my feathers) but they were very supportive of the progress being made ‘here’… also, they let me know how they want to work with me and want me to not take on every responsibility, or feeling that I need to… they told me that they are resources I should utilize… Also discussed my status concerning some of my relationships with the guys… ‘my footing’… I guess, that’s a good way of putting it… I told them how I walked in on my younger brother this weekend fooling on a vaporizer and how God, in those moments, calmed me… and I chose the road of remaining available to my bro and not ‘losing it’ cause that woulda’ took the focus off my dad’s dinner, this past weekend. I also told my instructors that the ‘M.O.’ is to stand, fortify, stand, be fortified, and Stand… Unless God says, ‘for sure’, ‘through and through’, Do This…. then….. Yours truly stays put… remain vigilant, stand, endure, fortify, repeat…

Thank You Jesus!!! For making me usable and effective concerning the establishing of Your kingdom on earth.

April 19, 2017

Wednesday

6:48pm

          Spent a beautiful day at the shop constructing ‘headers’ for the houses that will commence construction in May. We got a new recruit yesterday–> one who’s intake/acceptance was maybe controversial to some, and surprise to say the least… but, is a testament to the belief ‘what door God opens, no man can shut.’ I’ve come to terms with that, and it’s a blessing to have gained the maturity to have an appreciation in God’s working in other’s lives. I’ve very little history with this man…<service is beginning now!>

8:29pm

     Service is over, service was great. We did not have our usual speaker (Pastor) today, but another man… I’d forgotten all about the revival services to take place next week… starting this sunday… our speaker tonight spoke to us regarding preparation of our hearts for revival… repentance, and new life in the church. As well as why the church needs revival for new relationships, new business, new life, increase in love expressed…

     I’m not sure what to expect at our revival meeting, but I will be praying for repentance in my heart, and a heart broken for Christ that will receive His Spirit in a new way… Thank You Father for timing and direction, bringing to surface any hindrances and walking me through the ‘letting go’, so that the way may be fruitful, and I am an effective/active member of the church.

April 2, 2017

12:24pm

     It’s a gorgeous Sunday afternoon, I’m fresh out of church. I was notably tired this morning, and like last Sunday… had to ‘yank my butt out of bed by my hair.’ which is ‘straight’… and I have to go; I tell myself that Christ is faithful and that I MUST! Once I’m there, I’m good… and glad I’ve attended… so after ‘hitting’ the kitchen- upon arrival at church and brewing the coffee for the coffee station, a woman and her mom. (I think it’s her mom) stopped by the kitchen to drop off a bag of specialty coffee.. the woman who was with the older woman…catches my eye, like, every time I come to church… (there is always ‘a girl’… at every church, or every meeting… at every place… which reinforces how much more I have to rely on God’s ‘choosing’… God’s perfection… cause’ I’d go ‘plumb’ crazy trying to sort that out… I’ve been there and I’m super grateful God’s given me liberty there…) and truth is, though I redirect my attention to Christ I can still manage to be clumsy and feel a little awkward around some women.

     ———Moving on———

(one of my old roommates… come thru and dropped off a skateboard.)

After making coffee and going to Sunday School… we had our main service where we had communion… I managed to put my offering/tithes in the wrong bag… and my hands and fingers still have a chicken liver bait smell… (I thoroughly washed my hands last night…but…) after service, on the way home, I was discussing the issue of dropping my tithes into the offering bag for a pastor and my mentor believes I should envelope the money and put my name on it and check tithes… whereas, I’ve been depositing cash into the tithe bag… without a name… I’m probably going to get a 3rd, 4th, and 5th opinion… on top of scripture, but it was something to discuss…

     At home now, sitting on back deck… pretty hungry so I’ma take a gander into the refrigerator, eat, go lay down, rest, and read. Thank you Jesus for the fulfillment of the scriptures.

     4:29pm

     I’m not good with death… just received new of two individuals… one, an older woman I knew as a child… and a younger woman who I knew when she was a little girl… the older woman died, I believe, of natural causes… she was a friend of my dad’s… the younger woman– she was very young (9-13) when I first met her… I lived at her grandmother’s house while she was 14-16… she was only a girl… mom text me today and told me she died in this last month (March)… I call her(mom)… and mom can’t talk right now… The younger woman… her name is ___________. she was told she had cancer, then she was told she was cancer free, doctor told her she should do ‘chemo’ and my brother (just got off the phone with him.) told me that’s what killed her. Not going to allow myself to go into pity-mode (self)… and left to my own devices… and in times passed I’d simply use the whole incident as an excuse too drink/drug and wreak havoc… not today… (praise God), God is still worthy of praise, and none of this makes sense… with human eyes… but as I’ve said time and time again… this wasn’t all for nought… ti’s not all for nought… and none of this is simply for understanding…

     I write TODAY because that’s what I do… rather than be impulsive… We pray TODAY because that’s what WE do… as believers. Thank You Father for peace in this situation.

9:06pm

     I am not an object/circumstance that need be dealt with…

     I am a living soul in need of healthy, intentional interactions with other living souls.

March 28, 2017

11:05pm

     Dedication, motivation, endurance, loyalty, etc… it’s fairly late, tonight… I’ve been blessed to have been working on a repair at our house that involves laying brick… Thank you Lord… the day went so well I suppose my mind had to concoct a way to be disgruntled… this came by way of a counselor I went to see today… when she asked me how things were going with my new roommate… my imagination erupted concerning his interactions with his counselor (she works at the same establishment…) admittedly, I have to denote that, yea, I want my stuff to appear ‘tight’… and everything about my visit to this establishment to say,  “I’ve got it together…” and “I’m growing.” My thinking also gets slightly distorted when I go to counseling… not intentionally, of course…

      I’d like to keep the analysis of my actions accurate…. I went in to the environment very unguarded, without focus to what we have been discussing… just–> casually and nonchalant… I’ve not been to see the counselor in a “month or so’s” time… and sometimes I feel that the counsel with this particular person is unnecessary… but it’s not wholly ineffective… the counseling and interactions with any of the number of counselors in my support group have definitely revealed to me a lot about myself and I’ve also learned a lot….

     I went into counseling feeling like an oasis and came out feeling like I was in a desert. (self-imposed…so I worked to shrug it off immediately… after resolving not to say anything else regarding the matter until next week->> when and if counselor emails me. I felt a little better… the whole scenario is pretty minuscule… outside of the pride that crippled me at the start of the whole ordeal… (pride along with issues of control.)

     Thank you Lord for liberty, peace, stirring in my heart, performing a new thing in me.

March 27, 2017

6:18pm

     Thank you Jesus for helping me calm myself and think good thoughts… helping me relax… God has been so good to me… He’s been good to all of us… I recognize that.. Also I recognize how gracious He’s been… so when moments arise where I am triggered to want to respond in a fleshly manner– to deal with a difficult individual; I can not be surprised… and become my enemy… no longer do I want to oppose myself… so when my body was tense… Instead of kicking in the bathroom door and dragging this naked ‘boy’ (roommate) out the room kicking and screaming, and watching everything else in my life ‘implode’ as a result… I come downstairs and talked with someone about it… they told me I can’t do what my head is talking about… this is what we are called to and called for… not being doormats… but we respond… we don’t react… we are disciples… not dogs.

     Thank you Jesus for Your reign and authority in  my heart. I don’t want that self-righteousness… I want you Father… Your rule… Your walk… help me to abase myself… my world is not falling apart… it’s falling into place…(borrowed that from a song.) YEP!!

9:15pm

     ‘Peace’d’ everything up with roommate… the situation was reconciled… some time, in the past two weeks, I heard a sermon that explained how we should seek to reconcile a situation rather than seek retribution. That is a truth I’ve adopted and seek to instill in my life everyday, to assist in decision-making…

     In other news, the guys who work with me have not laid brick ever… outside of our instructors… so I want to praise God for the opportunity to ‘brick-up’ some areas around our house where squirrels have been getting in… I thoroughly enjoy laying bricks… laying-bricks reminds me of the man ho taught me to lay them and the legacy he left  behind him…. (he passed away.) The man was a very straight-forward man, he was a God-fearing man, he did not tolerate foolishness… but he cared about people and their lives… Thank you Father for having brought me across Mr. Mack’s path… Thank you for an abundant life– ordering our steps.