June 7, 2017

6:23a.m.

It’s a pity I did not sit and write as I usually write, yesterday… it’s important that I keep the record because I do, very much, value the integrity of my entries… I must confess…

  I am still lying down (bed)… having read M.U.4.H.H.  I’ve realized that my devotion notes and some questions I answered yesterday are all there is to be logged… Now that I’m pondering those circumstances, what I do have is more than a little bit… and the nature of my journaling is about persistence, self-control, discipline, consistency, and encouragement. Never should I allow this to be a discouragement to me… We are not perfect (though, I’m told I try to be…??) I always thought I’ve just been trying my best @ life… Yesterday while reading (Bible), considering verses addressed to the pharisees I was convicted and encouraged by the verse that discourages straining at a gnat whilst swallowing camels… With all the good that comes with reading God’s word… You’d think we’d do it more often.

Thank You Lord for helping me to see You in my day. You are welcome here.

June 4, 2017

1:40pm

Feeling like nothing right now… like a damn turd… not ‘using’, not ‘drinking’, but I been standing outside of where I’m being called…. all kinda’ distractions, temptations, and BS… feel’in like there’s no one to talk to… outwardly, I look super-kosher… but there’s a funk going on all inside of me, and sin is just begetting more sin… pushing me towards “You can’t bro, just don’t care anymore, stop caring…”  😦

You see, there is no barometer and that is no good for me. It’s like, “bro, you did that…. so what the hell??” (said or did something that wasn’t expedient)

It’s stupid and I hate this feeling… so everything just seems like it stinks (around me)… This is all directly related to my neglecting to study… I just haven’t been focused as I could be… So, here I am, even now, when I nee to be praying and seeking repentance in my heart. Truly… even when all is well, (as it is now) (Yesterday) I straight up shoveled all this ‘other-liness’ into my head, spirit, etc. I don’t want to complain, but this is what it is “put up or shut up..” “Don’t talk bout’ it, be about it… When the spirit says go study, you go study…

Jesus, thank You for Your grace and mercy… please don’t give me over to myself. I hear You and seen what You said in John… that those who love You, will keep Your commandments. Help me love You and not live foolishly…

6-4-2017 continued

5:58pm

Breathe, brother, breathe…

“You’re out of breath from chasing the wind…”

Anyway that you turn-

an echo of concern…

raises alarm

alerting impending harm…

You are brilliant, you are great,

but vulnerable

Your spontaneity is refreshing as

your impulsiveness

is catastrophic

and frightening.

 

 

June 3, 2017

7:36am

Good morning life and wisdom and knowledge and blessing. Feeling good bout’ the decision to stay home and reflect… woke up bout’ 5:30am for group (F3) and we had a super-chill morning. There ‘s something about waking up early to meet the sunrise. Literally starting the day off on the right foot…. the less trodden path… (majority of people are not dying to wake up and exercise…) I’m glad to have been scooped up by these guys (F3)… they are good support…

Haven’t made plans for the rest of the day… prolly’ spend most of it round’ the house… I have never had trouble keeping myself occupied… that’s one of the perks of having floundered into so many backgrounds, cliques, and social groups… I’ve picked up many hobbies and interests… many mediums by which to channel and express ‘what’s inside’… (Hobbies are great… but not without respect to priorities…)

One of my main objectives today will include personal time with the Lord and ‘keeping my hand back off the stove’… (temptation)… cultivating the trust of God in me… I know He is taking care of me and my relationships, and still… I know what’s best…(picture that lol…<sarcasm> knowing what’s best for yourself…   🙂 ) That’s the vicious cycle… and yet, it doesn’t have to be… I have to stop giving the enemy space to tell me I don’t know God’s will… God’s will is that I prosper… and continue on the path that He has set before me.

Restore my desire Father… help me stand… endure… keep going… embracing the truth and peace.

 

 

May 27, 2017

7:13am

It’s a beautiful Saturday morning, so you already know what time it is.
All my morning alarms were set for Monday thru Friday… fortunately ONE was set for today… the 5 am alarm. (Thank you Jesus) Which means the 4am didn’t hit, the 430 am didn’t hit, and the 530 would NEVER have gone off. At 5am when the music was playing instead of chasing the bliss that caressed the one side of my cheek I answered the call that said, “You can hit the light (lightswitch) and get a small read on (devotion) before workout @6am… so I reached down to the floor where my ‘Fat Max’ tape measure is, and used it to flip light switch… which is pretty customary when I have the privilege to get up gradually… On my night stand is where I keep Oswald Chambers… I ran over the passage multiple times and got up out of bed with the intent to L-I-V-E!!! with a welcoming attitude… invited the Spirit always, without ceasing to dwell within me.

6am, workout began, and we did what’s called a ‘Murph’, which is ‘a walk in the park…’ let me tell you… if you ever have a chance to “get on board” with some individuals doing “Murph’s”, you should DEFINITELY sign-up. 🙂   🙂   🙂

(300 squats, 200 merkins (push-ups), 100 pull-ups) (Running 🙂

Sunrise was beautiful and I’m blessed to have the opportunity to fellowship and stay fit with a group of guys who want to walk out life in a way that we might finish well.

May 22, 2017

4:05pm

Fresh notebook status… (2nd page of new notebook)–Rarely do I write on the first page… (I’ve grown accustomed to that first page, of any notebook… getting mysteriously ripped out. :/ )

In my bedroom sitting on a ‘foot x foot’ box/crate that I made at work… (reminds me of Donkey Kong…ha!)

Woke up this morning about 6:47am… also with the intentions to fast… being that I’ve felt so led… because I’m tired of some of those struggles I’ve been trying to thwart, single-handedly, those fleshly desires, that arise more, now… than they have in a while… not as a direct result of anything I’ve done, but in some cases, I did not help either…

Nonetheless, from square one, out the bed I got up later than I had been determined I would, last night… After heading to kitchen, it seemed, instance after instance, that the day was just going to go left… as the day continued I prayed, worked, and ‘got low’, meditating on the desire of being on with the Lord… (as Jesus prayed, John 17)… and maturing inf aith, hope, and charity… I’m not sure of every aspect of where I am being led… actually I know very little… but I believe that where I am being led calls for another kind of yielding to the Holy Spirit… Throughout the day, there have been minor urges to go eat, bu that is redirected to what/why I have made this commitment today… the desire of a more intimate relationship with God… and victory in various areas of my life where I am not doing great… where I am struggling.

God has strongly impressed on me that some of the disconnect has not come solely out of things that I am not doing… but in those things that I am… by trying to force growth… I can promote and encourage growth but it is the Holy Spirit who makes things known to us… and helps us to apply that knowledge in a practical way that begets growth in the lives of others. The rest of the evening… I will mostly be reading, and meditating… most likely not a whole lot of venturing all over the house… this time is precious to me… I’ve gotta’ make a run with some of the guys to wal-mart, but when I come back, I’ll be back in my room seeking direction. Thank You Father, for liberty, and family, Your grace, and mercy.

May 14, 2017

9:03am

“As it is in Heaven, It is in me…” those are some beautiful lyrics right there… sitting here in the gymnasium where Adult Sunday School is held… I’ve only just remembered that I need my Sunday School book… (workbook)… so far, I’m the only one in class aside from instructor… I arrived with the instructor… Went into kitchen and brewed coffee for congregation and Sunday School classes… I’ve just come to sit down and there’s praise music playing from instructor’s laptop outta’ some large speakers.

I’m up to about 4 people I have looked in the eye and said good morning to… Not that I’m trying to keep count… it’s just not something that *feels super natural… Up to 5 now… hehehe… I’m trippin… God is good… just went on a mini-text spree…texting a total of 4 aunts, my momma, two cousins (reminding them it’s momma’s day).

***Phone Going off now… ti’s note-taking time… class is starting.

5:20ish pm

Who wants to be a tinkling cymbal? Or sounding brass??? (1Corinthians 13:1) Making much *noise* without Love? Not I… like being a bucket with a hole in it… shooot! I wanna serve my purpose… The days of seeing how close to the edge of a cliff I can come… I’m done with that… The days of flexx’in for vain glory, or to exalt myself… I don’t wanna hop off *the ship* for that… somedays I step right on the banana peel… I’m glad God isn’t like me… doesn’t harbor resentments, and forgives us… I’m glad He’s patient and longsuffering… cause’ I’da been gone-gone–> like, for real… *take out the trash gone… we’ll be cranking up service here shortly… at the OC for tonight… body didn’t wanna do it, but last time I checked, God is still worthy, and I’m still breathing, and could still use more of Him.

10pm

Not gonna lie– today was a great day! Mom happy, dad happy, all my aunties, my Nana, showed them all some love… felt good to be able o put them all before needing enough money to get ‘tore up’ today… Felt so dog-on good, I left a super off-key version of ‘Precious Lord’ on my Nana’s voicemail… gawwwwww-leeeee!!! it was off-key but I finished anyways and told her Happy Mother’s Day!! Text one woman who wasn’t family… told her Happy Mother’s Day… that probably was a “no, maybe I should not have.” but I did… and I think I’m glad I did…

Now, getting it back in focus… Buzz lightyear is back in the house… guy that I’m to be working with on interacting peaceably… it’s a challenge… but I accept it and I’m looking forward to being able to work with him this week… intentional responses and interactions… I’m talking that real ‘agape’ type love… not the tink-tink kind… so Thank You God for renewing my mind and Spirit and helping me walk accordingly this week…

Lord You know my heart and where my head is, Thank You for helping me focus on You and only You, handing You all of my cares.

April 25, 2017

9:05pm

     I’ma tell it like this… Father… I saw that man’s (boy) face in the congregation… he was hurt… I could see it, that he knew about what I was saying ‘up there’ tonight… I stood in front of the congregation and shared the goodness God has showed me… in hind-sight I’ve determined I ought to have prayed with the young man… God is leading me by the hand and it’s like I was unsure of what might be said or done… and in those final moments the Spirit led me into a calm that had an undercurrent of intensity… even now, the enemy condemns me and accuses me, saying, ” You did not say this,” “You didn’t do this“… Get behind me satan in the name of Jesus of Nazareth… No man knows the hour or the day that Christ will come for the church, but I thank our Father who is in Heaven that I was granted another opportunity to share the gospel of His Son… Lord… You are worthy of our praise… still… my hands and thoughts regarding those things which were done tonight… and comforting my heart/mind in all that is to come… not that I’d think highly of myself… but that I’d forever stand behind Your glory and attribute to You every aspect/detail of my life… Glorify thy name… forever be magnified.