Better now, but I was hurt’in earlier… Just tired of everything… … Altogether, beat… and ‘on edge’… Really wanted to say to hell with everything- going on where I’m at… but that’s ‘feelings’… Feelings are not not not to be lived by… there’d be countless flipped tables behind me, were that the case… Leaving the house would equate to leaving God’s will deliberately… leaving hasn’t been an option and it’s not an option… it hasn’t been– nor will it be… Were that the case (separation with house) I’d work from that point….. being that it is not the case, I told myself to get the ‘hell’ out the house… when two of my bros decided to make a trip up the road (into the city) I ‘dipped out’ –> ‘dipped out’ hard too, and that did me some good… Telling myself to let go let go let go let go let go, breathe!!! Nothing going on in this house should even have me ‘pulled taut’ in such a manner… but I’m far from perfect….
Lord help me stop- feeding the wrong dog… You see me better than I do… and I’ve made compromises… help me believe in Your work in me… help my unbelief Jesus… cause’ it won’t take much for me react marginally in response to someone’s ignorance. (and that ain’t right… <shaking head>)
I need YOU, Lord… <shaking head while smiling> I need You…
Fresh out shower- cleaned up! Looking and smelling presentable… Had early morning workout… dude (leader of this morning’s *outfit*) got real creative… we had a ‘string of pearls’ workout… ran a few blocks– did some exercises– ran a few more blocks-0- and bang some more exercises… it wasn’t easy, but it’s always worth it… we had a good group this morning- there was 7 of us total (I and six other guys from all over the area)… You would think getting up on your day off, early, and going to work out would be incredibly difficult, apparently not, usually Friday nights I stay up until 11pm or so… and 5:30am I’m up and feeling motivated. Now, ask me to consistently get up at 5:30am and do my morning devotion (seeking God early)… It’s like my two anvils materialize, strapped to my ankles… I don’t want to move the slightest bit… it’s crazy to me. (Not so crazy when scripture is applied.) The flesh wars against the Spirit… is there anything in the design of this body that promotes my awaking early to seek God for the day (outside of the breathe of life that Christ gives us.) ??? But if I can remember to put in perspective- How worthy God is of praise and how undeserving I am. .. How grateful I ought to be to be drawing in air… *phew* and the benefits of rising up early (and the fact that I don’t). I feel like I’m just being plain disobedient… We’ve got all the blessing in the world but wanna sit back and soak up all the blessing, sometimes, rather than tell others where they, (the blessings), come from. Thank You Lord for Your faithfulness. After grabbing me some breakfast I’m thinking about walking down to Port City to grab a cup of coffee.
What’s done is done! Cleaned up the mess we’ve accumulated over the past few months in our ‘cleaning’ closet… it was a wreck.. it looks great now… dunno’ bout’ anyone else, but it was a huge relief for me…
Upon leaving the altar this morning, *Ms. name here* (the college/young adults Sunday school teacher) come to me, and said, “I really wanted to tell you… you know, you can pray for other people.” She was not sure if I ‘knew’ that, but she wanted me to feel encouraged to do so. I completely forgot to say anything to *mentor name here*, concerning this, when I got in the car… I wish I had… I’ll have to call him some time, in a lil’bit… or not… I dunno, my usual Sunday routine has been altered to some degree… tonight’s service at the O.C. was cancelled, but my housemates invited me to come to their church… I’ve got an hour to make a decision… may stay home to do a personal study. Got pop’s birthday coming up on Tuesday and my brother’s b-day is tomorrow… haven’t gotten them anything yet, but next Saturday is my dad’s dinner and I’ve gotta’ make some arrangements to get to Columbia… thinking that I’m gonna’ work those details out tomorrow.
I should definitely be sleeping… the guys and I just finished a movie… in my semi-lucid state I come back to my room, my work alarm is being set, and I’m recalling the countless numbers of people we run into on the way to wal-mart around 8pm… there was literally a woman trying to stop our van as we pulled out of our house… I could tell she had just finished smoking ‘dope’…w e get up to the corner store and there’s ‘live’ action… I’m talk’in ‘traffic’… and I don’t mean Hondas and Toyotas… I’m talking bout’ dopeboys and drug-users… ridiculous… on the way to wal-mart. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt I seen three women prostituting… and all I could do was shake my head and pray… “I need Jesus”, “they need Jesus”, “We all need Jesus…”
Thank You Father for Your perfect plan, and delivering Your children from the darkness of this world.
Sat down to begin today’s entry and I have just remembered my plans to clean garage. Upon reading Proverbs… I’ll be going to handle that mess… it’s no burden… I’m actually looking forward to the task… it’s proactive, I get to use my hands, listen to the radio, and ‘space-out’ in a good way… thank You Lord for direction.
Got the garage knocked ‘all the way’ out… it’s very clean. HA!!! Felt really good about it… that process ran for about 2 hours or so… After rolling around a while with my brother who also ‘skates’ (45 min. tops) my ‘blood-brother’ text me and let’s me know he is in downtown Greenville… so, I hit him up and asked him if he could see a parking garage outside of the establishment he and his friends were at… and ‘dig this’ my bro was literally two blocks away… My housemate and I wen the two to the restaurant, which came complete with two bars (alcohol), which was not an issue for either of us… went to the back of the establishment where my brother and three of his friends come and sat down with us. We chatted for a moment and I felt impressed to pray with them and so I did… it was a major blessing to have been able to meet with them… after coming home, we mostly (all of us) ‘kicked it’ in a group… minus one individual… I’m trusting God in that work being performed in the young man’s heart.
Going to bed soon… church in the a.m. Thank You Father for divine appointments, for New life and a new thing.
Yea, I get tempted, but if I nudge just enough–>> just hold on- just a little resistance- Christ meets me and the Holy Ghost helps me to hold on in that special way He does. Sin is horrible it corrodes, destroys… when I sin- I don’t want to do anything- but feel miserable of sin more or forget my sins by ‘using’ or having sex or whatever I can to elude that shame and guilt; which usually leads to more shame and guilt.
Lost my roommate from sin… I watched what I think was the decay and manifestation of sin– outwardly he looked healthy and fine… and watched him slip into a complacency… he sought Christ and himself and it was oil and water… things ended up a ‘mess’ for him. and him having to leave today wasn’t pretty for anyone. thank you Lord keeping Your hand on his life Father, thank you for mercy Lord for him… that he would lean on You in the these moments not on his own understanding. Change is not easy…
The whole thing with roommate, definitely ‘could have been me.’ I have not kept me from every bonehead decision I’ve thought of since I’ve been on this journey… it’s been the grace of God…(that kept me from making the decisions)… straight up! I’ve been resisting sin and temptation by God’s grace… I don’t want to be estranged from my Father, it’s not a good feeling. -Schlaf Gut— 11:08PM
I’m still awake and reading (*Chatterbox*) cause’ there are clothes I need that are still drying….. ‘The more deeply we reinforce our identity in Christ, the more fortified we will be against the onslaught of opposing voices in our lives.’ (*Chatterbox*)