July 6, 2017

7:21pm

Thank You Jesus, for warning signs, in Your word, examples in Your word… what have You not included in the gospel? What scenarios, what ignorance, what denial, what hard-headedness, stubbornness, pride, etc? (what has not been covered in the word?) Every walk of life has been covered in Your testaments to the people. Your word is perfect. You haven’t left us naked or alone.

Listening to:

‘I don’t want to go to Heaven if God is not there…” and that’s REAL… there is no heaven without God; noir is there any substantial kind of life here on earth…

So,  a lot of lil’ speedbumps I been hitting lately stemming from those skeletons that helped nourish fears in my life… speaking with one of my counselors the other day, we decided, well, she suggested, and I agreed that writing down these fears and coupling some truths with them is the best thing I can do to be proactive bout’ this… and honestly, it’s been on my heart to do the exercise for a good long while… but it gets put off, put off, put off… This list will include fears I’ve had and fears I have… thank You Lord for revealing the fears I protect and the truths I need to rid myself of them.

To name a few:

 

Fears—–Lies

no one cares about you

you might never be significant or you’re not significant

they ain’t gon like you (you don’t and won’t fit in)

misunderstood

misconceptions

lies-lies-slander!!!sabotage!

they don’t care about you, nothing, or nobody

situation is impossible…

being seen in the image of someone that blatantly doesn’t care about the word of gospel

being viewed as an unbeliever

June 10, 2017

11:28pm

Went to a friend’s parent’s lake house today… ‘Sheila lake’… right over the SC/NC state line… Caught a gang of fish today from the dock… Caught 15 brim, which I gut and cleaned myself… fried them myself, also… my cousin text me after I sent her pictures saying,’ poor lil fishies’… I told her they ain’t poor… ‘they’re fried’… ( It’s the truth ) Ha!

We swam a little, fished a lot, ate a little, then fished till bout’ 3pm. I’m so tired, now. It’s so late… and I’ve neglected to put something out for church (clothes)… Half-way falling asleep at the page (head swaying back and forth over my journal). S’my own fault… though, we did have a very long, exciting day… No issues all day… everyone, minus two guys who did not go with us to the ‘fishing trip’. For undisclosed reason.

Praying now that God will continue to help me make solid decisions, good decisions, focusing on the good things in life; not what is wrong with the world. my job, my house, my brothers.

Thank You Jesus for Your covering, for Your many blessings, for purpose, for helping me ‘follow through’, filling my heart with gratitude… Thank You for reminding me to look to the things which are to come. We don’t have to die… today… people care about me… thank You God for sending help into the house and people who are serious about being a disciple… Father, thank You for being our focus. Helping us persevere.

 

 

 

May 30, 2017

Vision-blurry (when looking long-distances, aging) Looking toward the LED clock of the cable box… we will be holding devotion shortly… used to be able to see stuff very well from this distance… must be getting older… 🙂 (what a blessing! 😛 )

Woke up this morning expectant of a ghost (from past) to text me… why I would desire that? Cause’ I tend to reach toward the foolish things when all around me is still and safe.. (making trouble…) The water all around me is still, so let me stand up in my ‘figurative kayak’ and rock it!!! <Rock-Rock-Rock> and what do you know…splash!!!!… I’m all Wet!!! That’s what the track record shows, but that’s not what it is today or what it’s gotta’ be… (but it gets those juices/emotions/tinglings/ ‘feel goods’, coursing through the veins).

17:23pm

Father God, forgive me for any lack of gratitude– thank You for refining me. Thank You for the breathe of life… thank You for the ‘re-direct’, helping me keep it real with myself, and not be ‘flaky’ toward You… help me NEVER EVER to settle… and to push with everything… where You are is where my life is hidden… help me live as such… rather than trade that for what ‘I wants and I thinks’…

Thank You for the desire You are fanning in my heart to seek You, knowing with every day, that You are moving me toward the future You’ve envisioned for me.

May 23, 2017

3:51pm

Home from work, we’ve gotten started on our houses pretty good… (next 2 houses that are scheduled to build) Most excitement we’ve seen in a few months… The foundations will be built sometime next week, so we’ve been making ‘headers’ and walls (framework) that will be used to construct the houses… Sitting in my room, on my floor, near my ‘crate’, where I can write comfortably… not sure why, but it’s easier to form thoughts from where I’m sitting… probably the best simulation of a desk that’s evolved in my room…

Throughout the day I noted particular thoughts that arose and immediately attributed them to my return to eating… and I’m fully aware that it’s okay to eat, of course.. but I was not starving when I awoke from not eating yesterday… I was relatively straight… and yesterday was a fast out of straight up being asked to do so by the Spirit… not to accumulate ‘treasures in heaven’ or for vain glory… I believe fasting will be an incredibly important tool and essential part of my relationship with God… the relationship He is calling me into… every time I was having ‘outta’ whack’ thoughts, today, it was as if the Holy Spirit was telling me, ‘fasting, that’s how you deal with that…’ and He’s not saying ‘Ahhh!! You must do this!!!’ It’s more like the Spirit was telling me, “If you are tired of this and you want to let this go… and this area of your life… and these kind of thoughts…. don’t feed your flesh… cut back… Rest in Me’ .. and it was comforting to know this… it’s the consistently clinging to God and doing what He ask… because much of what He calls me to (today) is not because I’m doing something that is wrong or unlawful, it’s more so, to increase and construct a better relationship with Him and thus a greater reality, and become an efficient Christian rather than a bystander in life.

May 16, 2017

6:45am

How would she view me, naked? (Thoughts upon leaving shower).

I’ve got a ‘trainer’ friend (fitness) and he told me, once, “most people who come to me, want to be healthy and basically feel good about themselves without any clothes on…

I’ve NEVER really thought about that, but when I say she, I mean her (who was) when I say me, I mean me, healthy. Who does a, b, and c to keep some kind of healthy build, and today I feel very good about myself… (physically)…Spiritually I’ve got to ‘reel it in’… this is the collateral damage of having a harmless conversation with ‘her’… I’d like to think that everyone at some point in time has or will have a him/her, for those times when we ponder previous relationships… she is mine… without a doubt… but but but, you see I’m at that quote-unquote- ‘critical-critical’, make or break time in life where a young man/woman has to focus on what’s what… not on loddy doddy’s, sweet-nothings, and day dreams… can’t be trying to work out anyone else’s salvation. It hurts kinda’, but I’m responsible for that hurt.

Thank You Lord for helping me to focus on You; for helping me capture my thoughts, for delivering me from any snare… helping me to intentionally and consciously focus on You and the relationships right here in front of me that need work… I know where You are, she will be. Thank You for molding me and helping me to focus on today… and Your will for my life.

9:23pm

Father, You see the cloud and You know exactly what it is… I’m describing it as a cloud cause’ it literally blew in while I was ‘camped out’ at the computer… the whispers of ‘dude, where are you at???’, ‘what are you doing here?’, ‘You ain’t doing nothing’, ‘ when are you going to drop charade… you know you want to just do what you want..’

That was the straight up voice of ‘doubt’, I’m sure of it… and it wasn’t a loud-condemning thought… it was semi-comforting; the tone of it… saying, ‘you don’t have to keep ‘this’ up…’ Needless to say, I half-way shook my head, and began searching out where the thoughts may have come from, and there doesn’t have to be a ‘for sure’ origin, but after doing a mental/spiritual inventory… I perceive that I’m carnally fat… not cause I’ve just been wallowing in sin, but by muck of just everyday living… I’ve been repentant but I’ve been consistently sleeping more, eating more, and altogether; I’ve been spiritually lazy… God has been calling me out of it… but day after day I’ve devoted my time to any number of distractions… or interests that are so totally irrelevant to what I’m doing and where I am doing it. (discipleship@HOH). Get real BRO!! (to self)… We are doing this to run long-distance… not for a ‘chip’… (recovery tag/etc.).. but to carry the truth… to give God glory.. obedience is key… and God’s not going to make me do anything… awareness is important… thank You Holy Spirit for keeping me attentive… helping me to stand, and not get discouraged.

May 12, 2017

10:03am

Lord… thank You for the work You are doing in my heart… break my heart for what breaks Yours… I cannot see the work being done by the surgeon (Holy Spirit) but I trust His work… thank You for helping me get real ‘small’, not to proclaim my own righteousness, but to Your glory Father.

5:43pm

Another week for ‘da books’… dinner’s been made, come home from work unscathed, learned a lot today pertaining to the electrical portion of training we receive ‘here’… I’m not in a hurry to leave, but I can see why the guys before me, were. (In more than one way.)

8:38pm

Finally sitting my butt down… ran around this afternoon… skating, bike-riding, running back-n-forth to stores… chilling out, now… doing the Friday night movie thing we usually do… My feet are actually appreciating the relief of sitting down, more than I knew they would… there were a few hurdles to jump today… I think the largest hurdle was acknowledging the current lack of capacity another individual and myself have had in putting aside our differences. Long story short –> dude got irate/agitated this time about my driving… seeing as I drive us all everywhere… NO problem, drive slower, drive safer… DONE…  I can do that. Now, would you believe that today while we were on the way back home from class, coming up to a four way (intersection) in our vehicle… NO JOKE, we were prolly 2 seconds, or half-a-second from collision; man!, we were rolling into the intersection and car blew past us from our left to our right!!! I hit brakes and turns out these people ran a stop sign… the moment was pretty intense… needless to say… I’m grateful we had the discussion about driving, and that we did not get hit by the car, and that I was receptive enough to put the stuff into practice that was discussed. Thank You Jesus for keeping us in every way.

April 5, 2017

4:35pm

     Bless the Lord, Oh my soul, and all that is within me. Thank You Jesus. Today was a rain day and we’ve been painting our house.. so we were ‘off clock’ early… we’ve got a beautiful house… the house is over 100 years old… this is important not because, “Yea, we got it like that..” but because the Creator has provided as such. I used to proclaim that I’ve slept on park benches, that I’ve slept under bridges, that I’ve slept in abandon houses, NO JOKE, NO JOKE! Yea, I’ve got roommates, today, but they ALL have personal relationships with Christ… we fall out, yea, but they are family… and we are exceedingly blessed… TRUE STORY… my testimony is close, like toast is to jam, no pre-test cram… Jesus is the answer, ‘in and out’ of the situation… I’ve been tempted in the flesh, tempted to ‘lose-it’, but God is working a glory in me far greater than any of the assorted dainties of the enemy… bowels of mercy, at the ready always, prepared with the gospel of Peace, truth, mercy, and grace.