Where my head is right now… I have to believe that Christ has more for me than the fulfillment I desire of a few ounces of cocaine, (any damn drug there is out there)… or any amount of booze or any woman… whenever this place gets a lil’ uncomfortable; that familiar voice known as my own gets to whispering. it says, “come here, I have everything you want, you don’t have to feel the way you do, we can go, we can get back to work…” I have a covenant with the Lord for crying out loud!!! God answered my pre-entry prayer to this place and made known to me I should be here. That moment my prayer was answered I reasoned with God that this would be it. That I would do this… I stepped out on faith. Now, I’ve been granted a night to rest and seek peace before facing the board of counselors tomorrow… I feel that they know I am tempted to leave… I most certainly am, but even God’s Word speaks of how the temptation and trial f our faith is nothing we should be surprised about. Temptations will come our way and they come to induce growth, trials prove and perfect our faith within us… the trials are necessary to help us get to a state of usability (if that’s a word.) A state where we can be functional for Christ, in the Utmost of His Spirit living in us. I am eaten up with the desire to do evil. I have the Bible open in front of me and I am convicted of my thoughts but I feel like my heart is being carried away by the lust and this is by no means Christ intentions for me… I don’t think He wants me to feel the way I do… I think He wants me to deal with the feelings.
Happy 4th of July…! Really can’t complain today, just threw my clothes in the washer… got to talk to my mom and dad and family today. they were glad to hear from me… My grandparents told me I need to come home. (Well…that I need to hurry up.) Because they are getting older. That made me feel “not so good.” Then I spoke with an aunt and she said something about me never calling her then I asked her to tell her kids something for me and she hang the phone up! That pissed me off, though I’m not sure that she did it on purpose… It’s the not knowing that bothers me… whether she did it on purpose or not. Feeling and thoughts of resentment toward myself, for never getting back in touch with my aunt. I want to make up for so much, sometimes, but God is letting me know how detrimental those feelings of guilt and shame could be in my recovery and my walk with Christ. The devil is the accuser of the brethren. I don’t have to bow down to my past. Jesus has removed my sins from me, as far as the east is from the west. That don’t keep him (the enemy) from coming at me, though. Christ is gonna fight but I have to meet the Lord where He wants me at. I have to go all the way there… only by committal… no left over bull-crap… life can be good… Life is good… really it is good… and getting better.
Does evil not beget evil? On come the feelings of guilt, of shame, of resentment of all cares being thrown into my face and snatched through a window that is so small and invisible, there is no direction, distinct, that I can recognize how I may pull those cares back… sometimes I want to be everything but me. Screaming for whatever opportunities bleed…. not the opportunity, but whatever leaks from their “cold lifeless bodies”– because that’s what I have covering my hands…Not blood…if i have blood on my hands…well, sometimes it is there also… all over me… nothing can go right… I feel that way at times… and life is growing short–similar to wilting blooms and dying buds. God loves us and He does int in a way I surely can not understand. Every time I sin- I believe lies. I’m on probation… wanting to leave sometimes is the “normalcy”… it would seem, but at best that’s more than insane… this is life, this is living… beautiful and treacherous, and amazing all at once. Life comes complete with high stakes and rewards. The old saying that has been going around lately has been that “people cannot choose their consequences, only their actions.” I wish that had been on my mind when I damaged a few relationships today. Hopefully it wasn’t irreparably, and things change. If not then I can add that to a list of crap that I can’t handle and surrendered to God.
Heavenly Father, thank you for your faithfulness and your guidance in every endeavor… even when I was doing wrong you had your hand on me… it’s times when you are remolding and reshaping me and I want hop up and go tell everyone “Look, I’m done!” “I’m Finished!”, “God transformed me!Voila!” But God you are forever and indefinitely tweaking me… the creatures (men and women) you have made are capable of operating to a (n)th degree, having an unlimited capacity to that purpose which you have purposed Lord,… thank you Father for helping me not oppose myself… helping me put to death the stumbling blocks that cripple me–so often. (I would that you assist me in flipping those weaknesses into launch pads Lord that will project and deliver me into your eternal presence.) Only you can take our hindrances Lord and redirect/purpose them that they are profitable to the kingdom. The whole day is ahead of us Jesus, be our eyes and our ears and speak to our mind and heart in all things with understanding discernment and guarding my mouth and thoughts at hat I be delivered out of temptation and further brought into fellowship with you, help me shun the world; that I do not put my hand to the trough, and “look back,” and in all things living moderately.
There is a certain degree of work needed to keep a necessary balance in our lives. (My life) To be “well-maintained”, takes even more work. A rigorous routine, or strict schedule is conducive to my recovery, prioritizing, order… is absolutely necessary.
Afternoon has arrived, classes are ended, work is complete. (Kitchen duty) and we have a three day weekend ahead. The day was seemingly fantastic for myself. Somewhere aroung forty five minutes ago I was approaching the chapel where I heard how another individuals wife’s mother is on her way to the hospital and not expe cted to last the night. Sitting here, I’m contemplating, what is it that we are to do in these cases? We can pray wherewith the assumption is that she is going to die… but it seems as though this resident is grieved in this matter with all of us (about seventy) walking around holding bibles, it seems we would do something… if it were not only to pray for peace. ——-Break here—————————————————————————
The thoughts/feelings I was having, concerning *guest’s name here*’s mother in law were in need of some kind of action… or else my faith would be for nought… I don’t want to look back at my life (the life God has given me) and knowing in my heart that I did not move… that I sat back, let life happen to me, let my life be stolen… without ‘acting’ on the inspirations of the Spirit. So I walked to the chapel where I was met in the hallway by another individual who i speak with fairly often and he accompanied me into the chapel where five or so other guys were awaiting praise and worship to begin. After presenting the news, we gathered to pray ( the other guys were more than willing.) We also prayed for 2 other individuals who left the program today. I’m listening out and keeping an eye out for the guy who is going through “the struggle” and awaiting any instruction the Lord may direct me.
***Graduate that works at one of the warehouses*** randomly stopped by and said what’s up… that was real encouraging because he’s been through a heck of a lot, as have I, and I do believe he is truly out to serve the Lord. All those who are doing the will of the Father are the people I seek to surround myself with. I’m a believer and I seek the company of the same.
Fear God, Love the Lord, Fear God, Love the Lord. So, judgement didn’t come for me today, as I believed it might. I figured the consequences would come my way this morning, due to me speaking with my roommate yesterday before he left. The staff told me not to speak with him, and that was “all good and well”… but come on! So I spoke with him and I was supposed to be “staffed” this morning but I wasn’t… Still ‘sore’ that he left the program under the conditions that he did, but everyone has a choice to make… as do I… I mean, I can not and will not allow myself to pray for no reason, if I pray with doubt, not believing wholly within myself that Christ can deliver me, then that act within itself is a shame… and my faith becomes a vain thing. I have to fully commit and submit myself unto Christ. Much easier has it been to reflect on these things and write them down than it has been to walk this life out. When I deliberately walk outside of God’s will for my life, I am in danger– I open up a gateway/ breach on my spirit life to be infiltrated by sin, despair, and any other associated feelings of guilt; regret, lack of respect. There are instructions on how to manage my life and love Christ, how to walk/live steadfast in His love. (The answer is the Word.) God is King. I don’t want a dead faith, so I must seek the face o0f the Lord daily that I can be renewed.
Got a letter from home. Run “up-top” (upstairs) immediately to grab the mail. White envelope addressed to me… I could tell by the handwriting the letter was from mom… it’s usually from mom. Mom drew a lil’American flag on the envelope, mom knows I like when she sends something on the envelope. it reminds me of where the lil’bit of artistic abilities I possess come from. Dad and mom have that and it definitely passed on… which reminds me, I need to put some work in (art), everyday there’s been reading, writing, flip”that”, writing, and then reading… also eagerly anticipating that degree of peace I can sense the Lord moving me toward. My job is to continue on in a progressive manner. (Positively). Today has run well… class, lunch, work… it’s certainly, something to appreciate, being where I am… where our relationships with Christ, can truly be cultivated. Not always by “leaps and bounds”, some days by just crawling. (If you can’t fly then run, if you don’t run, then walk, if you can’t walk, then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.)