July 13, 2016

10pm

     Getting to the bed a little later than usual tonight. Had to prep clothes and stuff for tomorrow. Received two cards in the mail today… one from mom and one from dad… the cards were hand-picked and very nice… mom, I guess, I could say has developed a knack for choosing cards for people. dad sent me one too… it was cool and ‘original’ and it means much to me that he wrote stuff out on it himself. I know he meant the words he sent, and I know God is orchestrating everything in the manner that he has called it to progress; as far as with our relationships—between my parents, myself, and the rest of my family. Couldn’t reach my mom and dad, so I called my nana and boompa (my dad’s parents) They were both glad to hear from me and I was glad to hear from them, I was so glad they picked up the phone. After greeting them and giving them my reason for calling, I told them I loved them and got off the phone, (my time was up) and did my best to evaluate the conversation and balance my thoughts… not to be too excited that I forget what I am doing here, and not so complacent that I am not grateful to be able to speak with my family concerning how long I have been from home. I have to take care of this gift God has given me as “having a new life.” Guarding this salvation, so I do not lose my family again.

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July 12, 2016

9:47 pm

     Put two letters in the mail today… one for my aunt..one for 2 of my brothers. Hope both of the letters find them well. Haven’t spoke to my aunt in a little while… I know she loves and cares about me… and my bros. and I hope she is doing well. She has never been, like, “evil” toward me— evil just rises up within me when I think of her… and what her thoughts (her real) thoughts are toward me and all the crap I’ve put my grandparents through. (which would be her parents.) My brothers will get their letter and my desire is that they cherish those letters… that they would mean something to them. I resent that I’ve been their LOSER older brother… I worked really hard… I did what I had to from the street up to a plateau of satisfaction and the minute I felt that I had it all laid out and “figured things” out (life) and tasted of pride- the “bottom” fell out and washed the whole house away… the house was broken and built on the sand of a murky beach. Christ saw me and He kept me but He also let me break everything, and lose everything of which I did not sacrifice to Him… it was painful and with each day of growth I sense an ego that desires to be exalted above all that the Lord has done in my life, but my will is of the Lord and soon enough that old man will die a permanent death — when Christ should return for all that have been awaiting His glory.

July 11, 2016

Bout’ 10 o’clock

     What would you have me do Lord?

Told myself I was done playing games-

though sometimes Lord- I feel just the same….

nothings any different–

cliffhanger, I’m hold on–

 my fingers slipp’in… but Lord I know in my weakness you are strong.

Get to hating life

forgetting your redemption

as the accuser points his finger tells me I’m losing

my heart tries to doubt

but your word says coming to you I must believe you are–

but that’s not the part that seems so hard

It’s letting go of the wheel — letting you drive the car.

I don’t trust me Lord because I’m in my way

Wanna look forward– but not on days like today

cause when I’m screwing up

seems like I might always be stuck

life in a tangle

no control, still yet I’ll raise the anchor

while the waves are crashing down around me

still, I’ll try to find away around it.

why go through all the trouble

if the Lord knew I’d do more than merely stumble…

angry– wanna do something other than

how I’m staying humble..

depression can get oppressive– and beyond that aggressive

Lord, you know

precisely, my struggles.

Thank you for sustaining me through the battles.

July 10, 2016

7:40 pm

     I can see the rain clouds making their way over toward “the Center”… while i was on the bus (church bus), returning from the church we go to on Sunday mornings/nights. Used to spend countless rainy days getting off work, going to get drunk or high, or both.. finally thought I made it to where I was supposed to be… had a young lady who cared for me… had a car, had just upgraded jobs, (to a better job.) Had money all the time… finally got back toward wanting to be in church… I made it to one service, paid my tithes, and never went back– at that period of time anyway. Things gradually got worse… compiling siin on sin on sin and she never seemed to see anything wrong in the sense of dishonoring ourselves before Christ (being in an unconsecrated union), but she didn’t approve of the alcohol which later became drug-use, the situation DID NOT get better– we brought each other down in ways no man and woman should… just emotionally abusing each other. I hated all of it, but I did not want to let her go… I wanted to control her and mold her into all that I wanted her to be and looking back…if that was true– does that mean I wanted a girl who would agree with me sometimes, laugh a lil’bit, help me with some things, interact with a little bit, and have sex with??? The experiences we shared with one another were accumulated over 3 years, but WAS THIS NOT ALL THERE WAS TO OUR RELATIONSHIP???! We, or I, I know for sure had probably 60 percent invested into my relationship with her at any given time and then when things went south I’d tell myself I didn’t want the relationship any more… but all in all, everything hurt just the same, and I still miss her from time to time, but these thoughts don’t disrupt my decision-making in the manner they would have seven months ago… I thank God for that… I was miserable seven months ago.

July 9, 2016

9:40ish pm

Thinking I need to invest in a watch… would not these entries benefit more with the information being more accurate. Not so much as being accurate… but more specific…’an idle mind is the devil’s playground.’, and so the correct thing to do while my mind is idle would be to focus my thoughts on spiritual things, heavenly things, eternal things, merciful, and loving thoughts of peace, and of joy, but also while knowing and depending on Christ to provide my every need. I don’t have to worry today… all this being said, I have to get to the root of my anger… many clients here have told me that I’m angry, I know I’m angry and that I have resentments and that certain aspects of my childhood were f’d up, but how do I extinguish those infernos that exist now in such a low place within me that I can hardly remember them without meditation? I have to dig them up, it’s the only way… my teachers/counselors tell me that each time one of these thoughts are revealed they can be dealt with effectively, easing that pressure that has built up for so long or revealing other issues that can also be addressed. Sometimes, most of the time, I don’t want to think about this stuff… I want to think of the good things and move on, but if I move on while carrying all the crap from my past with me then I can not make progress. I have to trust that the most important things will be revealed to me that way they can be addressed…

July 8, 2016

Birthday; Friday; 4:35pm

     If only I had a nickel for every “bright idea” I ever had… Actually, that’s the last thing this guys needs right now…(money) god is doing an excellent job with me precisely where I am… Not rich, i’m not poor… God is working on me in a way that is not always visible or drastic… in most cases the changes are so subtle that someone else’s affirmations are the only tell-tale signs of what is happening in my life. (Regarding change) Not that I should work for these affirmations… The work, or the most work that has been called of me is my continual willingness to put my right foot forward, and not “run” when faced with adversity… Today was a great day… though the whole community received some ill news this morning; 4 snipers assassinated 5 police officers and injured 6 or 7 others… it is horrible to have heard, and to have happened… I hate the dissension in the country… I spoke to my dad this afternoon and it was not hard at all to come to terms with the fact that I can not change the world, though I can change myself, by holding myself accountable… by seeking Christ… by forming beliefs and standing on those beliefs. One day at a time growing through the drudgery, building from the foundation Christ is not looking for me to provide a dramatic entrance; He just wants me to “represent”.

July 7 2016

Thursday 8:46 p.m.

Currently discussing with my mentor all that is/has been going on today and what some of my defects are… Such as being short-tempered and having this disabling effect occur to me whenever I fall short of my own expectations… now this is an interesting thought. I’ve never thought of one of my “brain cramps” as being -me falling short of my own expectations.For the longest time my brain told me via experience that if I was not successfully gaining ground on obtaining a wife, kids, house, car, etc. then I was doing something wrong. My whole life! Does this not sound completely wrong!? It sound totally messed up to me now. Mom and dad’s actions had a serious effect on my head -“growing up”..understandably… Now I get the added knowledge that it was never Dad’s plan for me to even get born… but because I was born, it became necessary for his plans to ultimately come to a skidding halt, so he could be with my mom and we could be a “family”, this was not a smooth transition, to say the least, for him. I love my dad, and I know… ultimately- him and my mom have to be forgiven, just hope that one day we can openly talk about all these things… I’m tired of feeling like I am supposed to ignore the crap and shovel it “under the rug”, and at the same time feel the burden of glaring attitudes that say, “who cares about all that stuff? Move on and start doing better with Your Own life.”