After eating lunch. Back in my room, laying on my bed.. not sure I can.. but I heard whispers of being allowed to lay down after 1p.m. It’s about that time now. Been working on committing some more verse to memory.. which makes me happy… the more scripture I lean, the more chance I have to develop a relationship with the Lord and better recognize my purpose and the more direction I will have. The more time I spend here, the more selfish I believe I’ve been in life. I’ve been asking God to totally re-create my heart, cleanse it, and just “make it better.” I’ve put myself through so much, it’s like I hardly suffer any real emotion. I want to feel again, and I want to accept that things between the Lord and I are fine… but I find my head and heart wandering everyday to try and find a way to keep me stagnant in my recovery. I want to live, I don’t want to die. I want to live, not just get high/drunk. That is stupid… I want to be happy just loving God… but I’m not… I’m desperate right now… I want to have chosen Christ by my own free will… and with that, be content.
Today was a little bit of a struggle. It’s about 9:12 P.M. right now. I’m not sure exactly why today was a struggle, but I know that it was. it’s like i’m looking for this feeling… or something to substantiate my belief in Christ. My roommate left (one of them). I’ve been searching within myself and asking Christ to reveal more of Himself to me, not so I believe but I want to be able to feel His presence at all times. I’m not sure what I want… and I’m guessing that is the point. It doesn’t matter what I want. It’s about what God wants, and I know and believe in my heart that God wants me here. (@ Overcomers) I want nothing more than to make Christ and God happy. If that requires me to simply wait on Him then that is exactly what I am going to do.
Working on getting accustomed to new schedule. Woke up round’ 5am or so. Didn’t sleep too bad, for every moment that I was actually sleeping. (Woke up repeatedly, worried it was “time” to get up from bed.) Went to breakfast. (Potatoes and cheese.) Kinda’ lost when I came back to my room…not knowing what to really do. My roommate ( I have 2) told me bout; chapel. (Bout’ 20 min.) Our room smells really bad; due to some very foul-smelling socks I have… so I’m trying to figure out how to handle those and the boots. (Boots also stink.)
Sitting in chapel, my counselor from the GRM (Greenville Rescue Mission) came to give the message. Which was pretty cool. I haven’t been able to talk to him in maybe 3 days; I’ve been a lil’ bit aggravated about that, but found out his mom is not doing so well… his lesson was on being humble and teachable. “Staying Low”, that has been my goal each day for at least a week, to remain humble, and get more humble.
3-31-2016 (Same Day)
Laundry room, relaxing, socializing lil’bit, memorizing verses and reading Bible a lil’bit. Both my roommates talking bout’ “dipping out”. I don’t know what’s up with that. Right now I’m praying for the humility to stay put myself. Don’t want to, but I know it’s necessary. I can’t keep putting God on the “backburner”, and I can’t keep doing drugs/alcohol.
(After Choir Practice)
I’m not quite sure yet but I’m thinking one of my roommates are gonna leave, but I dunno. I don’t really know what to tell him… his mind seems pretty made up.
First day at ‘Overcomers’; spiritual-based program designed to help me break the chains of addiction, and develop a real relationship with Christ in which I exercise the principles discussed in the Bible. My first thoughts/feelings upon being picked up from the “Mission” were of apprehension, anxiousness, nervousness. I half way wanted to change my mind and not even try the Overcomer thing, being that I was being tempted of my flesh and I was scared; well not scared about doing this… I don’t know why… mostly because my flesh and heart have been seeking to persuade me that I can not change, but God is good, and already showed me “what was up”, as far as me coming here, and if I hadn’t come I’d be twice the fool. Don’t much know, yet, what to make of the program. Looking forward to tomorrow, working on being more patient, humble, focused, and looking for God to reveal more of Himself to me through His word. I’m tired of living a perverse lifestyle, and forever thinking of drugs and sex. I’m being robbed everyday of a true relationship with my Father and my family who loves me, due to an evil heart. Thank you God for getting me here and helping me stay focused.
**Reading : Jeremiah/ Daniel/ Proverbs
This is the post excerpt.
The personal document of Corwin Hemingway II and the account of his experiences as a guest with the Miracle Hill Overcomers Program .