Day… done. It’s evening now. After choir practice, bout’ to rain, or trying to anyways. need to catch up on homework. Notebook nearby. All I have to do is answer a question. Still deciding how to go about doing that.
Anyways, today was interesting. Had community meeting and “Power Hour”. Someone made a remark concerning the absence or waning of spiritual integrity and I somewhat rallied behind them, but of course, not everyone liked that… but I didn’t do this to sew discord. I did it because I refuse to spend the rest of my time here allowing myself to be regularly influenced by stuff that will pull me away from my purpose for being here… I want it to be known I am here for serious matters…. so rather than keep my mo0uth shut about it — I was just hitting the light “real quick” to let people know I don’t want the “trash” around me… I don’t want to be subjected to it. (I know I am, and will be, by other people, and mostly by self.) So if I put it out there also, then, maybe I could alleviate some of that. I also wanted to participate, I want to get all my stuff “out on the floor”, so my issues can be addressed, so I will get to know people and they will get to know where I am also.
*Continuing to meet new people and engage in meaningful conversations about Christ and recovery.
‘How long wilt thou sleep, O sluggard? When wilt thou arise out of thy sleep?’
This is the proverb I read this morning. It’s kind of a duty I’ve been charged with carrying out in the morning times. I enjoy choosing a proverb out every morning to share with the community. I’ve still been working on picking up scriptures and meditating and praying.
–Hebrews 12:29 Our God is a consuming fire.
I love this verse, along with others I’ve been picking up. I like verses that describe our Father and Christ and the Holy Spirit. Scriptures such as them give me direction, and a likeness to seek in myself. I’ve said it already, but I intend to continue repeating myself until I’ve gotten the desired outcome.. ” I am not and will not be a chump Christian!!! I am a soldier in training and I’m going to make my Father proud, and in turn I will be all the more grateful for His grace. Everyday, I receive a few more tools to work with, and I have a growing appetite for His word. Also a growing pull on my heart to surrender outside activities and focus on my relationship with Christ… So not only am I holding on, I’m seeking new ways to dig in.
Today is a good day. Woke up early, got a short shower in, got some prayer in, some reading, and some push-ups. I feel good. Setting my thoughts/mind on humility. It is still early this morning. (Just after chapel.) I’ve been assigned to house-crew today and I will be doing all within my power to first keep my focus on God, but also interact with whomever I am working with because it REALLY REALLY can be a downer to work in silence, day in and day out, with that kind of negative feel in the air. Some of the guys working on house crew have been doing it for a while and are kinda’ “burnt-out.” I’m going to break out on this for now and return in a few.
Allowing my food to digest while pondering how to surrender more of my heart to the Lord. Rather than seeking what “grey areas” I can get away with. There are NO grey areas, I know, but that is not the point. My point is that until God really tells me what to do, I am not really sure what to do; I don’t really want to do anything. Haven’t been to this next class, that starts in maybe 45 minutes. I’m looking forward to it though. Going to spend the rest of this time I have, to read.
Breakfast out the way, along with morning tasks, and lunch. Got two books last night that I am very excited about getting into. Thoughts of negativity have been down to a minimum considering my re-dedication last night. I want to live for God, I want to be used by Christ. This will not only ensure that my life be pleasing to God, but it will assist me in all areas of my life. I am enjoying the peace that accompanies a full commitment to living a life accountable to Christ. I’ve also been weary of those people and things that will benefit my relationship with Christ, and people/things/activities that might deter its’ (relationship with Christ) growth.
Sunday –After Church–
Day is going well. Just finished eating lunch. Today is my first, visiting “our” regular church. (Rocky Creek) It is the church, I perceive, we will be attending on Sundays. The lesson in Sunday school as well as our “main course”(service) were “on point”, coming straight from the Bible.
I hadn’t got much sleep last night, my body would not allow me for some old reason, so I lay there with my Bible asking the Lord if He were trying to make something known to me and if so, I’m listening. Nothing came to me at once, but the thought that I may need to cut my lamp off. (I did not want to wake my roommate.) There was a huge relief today, once I heard the sermon.
Our preacher (who is a college professor as well as the head of cross-cultural studies or something like that.) Spoke on a time after the resurrection where Jesus appeared to Peter and a few other disciples after they had been fishing all night and caught nothing. The preacher explained to us (congregation) of how this can be a reflection of our worries. The disciples were charged with the responsibility of spreading the gospel. Rather than pursuing God’s interest, they revert to a more comfortable way of life. One they were familiar with. This helped ease my mind of worry and reminds me, “Keep God…Christ first”, in my life and to always seek His will for my life first, and He will/can sustain me.
After eating lunch. Back in my room, laying on my bed.. not sure I can.. but I heard whispers of being allowed to lay down after 1p.m. It’s about that time now. Been working on committing some more verse to memory.. which makes me happy… the more scripture I lean, the more chance I have to develop a relationship with the Lord and better recognize my purpose and the more direction I will have. The more time I spend here, the more selfish I believe I’ve been in life. I’ve been asking God to totally re-create my heart, cleanse it, and just “make it better.” I’ve put myself through so much, it’s like I hardly suffer any real emotion. I want to feel again, and I want to accept that things between the Lord and I are fine… but I find my head and heart wandering everyday to try and find a way to keep me stagnant in my recovery. I want to live, I don’t want to die. I want to live, not just get high/drunk. That is stupid… I want to be happy just loving God… but I’m not… I’m desperate right now… I want to have chosen Christ by my own free will… and with that, be content.
Today was a little bit of a struggle. It’s about 9:12 P.M. right now. I’m not sure exactly why today was a struggle, but I know that it was. it’s like i’m looking for this feeling… or something to substantiate my belief in Christ. My roommate left (one of them). I’ve been searching within myself and asking Christ to reveal more of Himself to me, not so I believe but I want to be able to feel His presence at all times. I’m not sure what I want… and I’m guessing that is the point. It doesn’t matter what I want. It’s about what God wants, and I know and believe in my heart that God wants me here. (@ Overcomers) I want nothing more than to make Christ and God happy. If that requires me to simply wait on Him then that is exactly what I am going to do.