August 3, 2016

AM

Comments made by teachers

It matters not what tomorrow holds, for I know who holds tomorrow.

Living without limits is not freedom…is it? (Dave)

Following Christ is sometimes not understanding. Cultivate relationship with Christ.

Your dog ate your recovery? (Komron)

PM

Note to self–>>Night time–>major trigger for temper… spiritually sapped, but not depleted- Holy Spirit sustained me tonight–> short patience, short temper, short-fuse…Mann! Feel like one particular individual is just, straight up, just trying to get under my skin… to get me to put myself out> what’s funny is that it “does” make me want to leave…I can leave but how f’n smart would that be??? Not smart at all– but the old me would act on a thought, just to not have to deal with the thought anymore… it’s not even like this part lasts this much longer… The time here at the center is only like 2.5 more months; why is it being so difficult for me to wrap my head around this. I’m not trying to wrap my head around anything… there is a message in what’s been going on around me, but it’s like, everyday– it has been something else… I need to adjust my sails… for real… I need to pray, is what I really need to do… that the Lord would take these ill-minded feelings from me. If I leave… what will it accomplish?

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August 2, 2016

9:40ish pm

     Not going to get into how “I want to leave” because it has dawned on me, that, to think about leaving and what I would do while I am gone is to “be gone” already… I have left the program, time and time again, only to get high or drunk in my mind and all my mind want to impute, without effort, is getting high/drunk and having my way with a woman, some women… it takes a major effort to think of how many ways, this is not the answer, and won’t be rewarding. Whatever would ensue would be short-lived and would be a helluva burden afterward: guilt/shame/guilt/shame. My mind has left the program so many times I can’t count them… my mind is just waiting for my body to catch up it seems… I don’t blame God… or anyone… I am angry of my disobedience… I am angry of my ignorance, as a child… I am angry knowing drugs and alcohol could kill me is not enough to completely remove the ideas of using from my mind. I wrote a quote today that spoke of an individual not being able to surrender if they still see a way out of if they still think they can use successfully. I know in my heart that I can not… that it is not even worth me trying to find out… if I can… I don’t believe I can… I would be living for myself… and that’s not right…the fact of the matter is that this program is not even a long program- I have about 2.5 months left…then, it’s going to be on me, anyways… go get high or don’t get high… trust in the Lord and continue on into eternity with Him or harden myself that I can not receive His anointing, riches, or glory. I’m still here because I fear you Lord… I’m still here because I want what you have planned for me more than my own plans– thank you for renewing– thank you for renewing your Spirit within me. Thank you for helping me live life for real.

August 1, 2016

9:00 pm

     Gratitude…gratitude…gratitude…is the attitude… I am still present at the Overcomers Center… I’m in good standings, my family is doing well in Columbia, I have a fresh bottle of water, friends– “real” friends, people who care about me, but are also on the same journey I am on each day, searching out their selves in christ, weighing out their salvation… determining how to build their lives around Christ… mother and father who care for me, three brothers who love me… grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins… safe, dry place to sleep tonight, my roommates aren’t violent and we are trying to get along, future looks promising… I’ve all the necessary things I need to make it to the end of the day, I have the right to freely read the Bible without consequence, I could go pretty much anywhere within fifty miles and preach the gospel without fear of death… why would anyone turn their back on a life so promising… where, any where I look is up… why would I turn down the chance to minister as I have been ministered to…to lay down all that I have learned and die having known there was much more to be given… turning my back on God for temporary satisfaction. Only by God’s grace and pursuit  of Him will my current state be renewed and experience growth.

*Something I thought about today:  If I am not my own and I am Christ’s… viewing myself as His child– even as an infant… what would I do to that man or how would I feel if someone harmed that child in any way?! Physically, emotionally, or spiritually… what would that individual reap? the answer is simple– the wrath of God.. Lord help me keep this vessel pure.

July 31, 2016

Around 5:00pm

     Waiting for bus to get us for church… humorous how when people know yo0u can not speak that they let go of your existence. (over-exaggeration) not everyone does, but a handful seem to believe that because you can’t speak that you have nothing to say. I haven’t prayed all day today (privately)… I just realized.

9:30ish pm

Nooo– I still haven’t gotten a watch yet… I do think about it though– self-conscious of the fact– everytime I write-“ish” or “around”, “o’clock”… multiple times I could have asked parents, but I don’t want it that way… feel like if I needed one– then God would see fit for me to have one…

Why does our news always…well, let me not say “news”– why does the aura of America always seem to hint “doom” at every turn of a day… I’m not worried– my mind seems to get preoccupied, there, occasionally though… it’s gotten somewhat better- I need to keep my focus on God and strive towards His plans for me. I got up during service with two other men this morning and I believe I got written up… it’d be a shame if they made me leave tomorrow– I got off the phone with my mom today– I had someone speak for me– she said my brothers and I are all following after the Lord… so she has some peace… Thank you for settling my thoughts Lord and helping me wait on you.

July 30, 2016

8:00 pm

     Tiiiiired… and running out of gas… buuut- “no complaints”, spent the morning between books and drawing… there is definitely something there. Got letters out to my brothers… accidentally spoke a few times, but definitely respecting the vow that’s been made. thought about ‘the girl’ a few times today, strangely. nothing has changed with that situation– It’s really- not a situation– I hope she is doing well… I’d like to move on, but I used to do that by being with someone else, but that is not an option I am willing to take. I am maintaining a mindset for growth… that will compliment God… (the God in me.) Right now I have a choice… to hold on and continue in Christ… or to leave before the appointed time… that’s not the way to do this thing.. so, I hold on– pushing toward the mark… Steadfast– though I am limited, I am free in Christ… progress is not exactly equivalent to how much I read or study… it is equivalent to my obedience… I have heard it said, “it’s not how much you make, but how much you spend.” By the same token I have found it true– reading the Bible does not keep me the closest to God… I feel closest to God when I am obedient and know that I am living a purposeful life… living a life for Christ draws me to Him… I believe the principle that God glories in our walking for Him and toward Him… our purpose being to draw near to Him not in the “making it” idea. I hope I never “make it”, but I always know that, by His grace, I have been “making it”.

July 29, 2016

8:40ish pm

     Watching Ragamuffin for the second time… contemplating how I have managed to end up on a ‘vow of silence’ arguing with my roommate– whom I also work with… who I also have class with, who is also half as spoiled as I was in my early life. I’d ask my mom or my grandparents and I’d end up with what I wanted and then I would give everyone my butt to kiss. I wouldn’t do it intentionally… I just didn’t too much think about my family and I can not stand too watch my roommate do wrong, but he doesn’t want any help… he acts like he knows everything– because I know how much neither of us know anything… I want the guy to be okay, but MAAANNN!!!?? I guess that’s how my ‘Pops’ used to feel… He could tell me whatever… I never really paid attention and I didn’t care what he had to say… the one time I felt like I made him proud was short-lived.. it wasn’t the only time he was proud of me…. but it was the most prominent time that I thought things would be different, but that didn’t last– It just set me up for a greater crash! God will prepare that..(relationship with dad) and He is.. but I have to stay focused so that we (roommate and self) can see that come to fruition… I need not worry and I need not “react” to situations or by feelings…practice makes perfect.

July 28, 2016

8:07pm

     Feelings have little to do with being close to God… Obedience is key to relationship with Christ…

*Got this from the movie-[Ragamuffin]-

     Washing clothes, sharing/listening to fellow guests stories about their past–relating to them and understanding where we each came from… mann… I literally spent “years” trying to fit the view/opinions of others…seeking approval-seeking acceptance… always feeling like I had to earn my way to the top… earn my way into acceptance… I can’t stand the perverted/twisted/f’d up way of thinking I was subjected to as a child… sometimes I am 100% okay with not changing, who I am now as a result of all that crap, but other times I can find myself dwelling on the possibility that I could fall back into my mess; I know I shouldn’t think that way… but who says I shouldn’t …. it’s not that I shouldn’t– the fact is that in this stage, “I will” occasionally– my task is to capture these ideas and be vigilant–>evil is ready day in and day out to capitalize on my mistakes; I don’t have to die, (a spiritual death)… I will die a physical death but that is not an end. My meditations are of peace, and kindness… there is power in tenderness… power greater than anger.