satan is slick and cunning… I am sure, and he would seek to have me and others believe that being an addict/alcoholic is simply a matter of choice… that there is either a ‘simple’, ‘I’m gonna use/drink or I’m not.” When, reality is actually, “am I going to serve Christ or not???”
note: If it weren’t drugs/alcohol, it’d be something else. (To separate me from God)
I ascribe Him to be NUMBER ONE in my life… will I pattern my walk after His, will I cultivate my thoughts after His??? The devil will say if it makes sense it must be right… or that ‘this’ is from God… the latest ‘light’ that was cast in my life was the old-thought where I would believe that some woman down the road (if and when I should be in a relationship.) had to have my background in order for us to be together… so she would ‘understand’ what I’d been through… that is COMPLETE CRAP!!! (Not that it could not work out.) It’s crap because though would sound right in a ‘world wisdom’ type way, it is not the way of faith, this is a thought born of fear that I will not be accepted, etc., plus a number of other things… not having faith in God’s making me whole, etc. God showed me a couple tonight who almost have a 20 year relationship in which case, the couple were on 2 complete opposite ends of the spectrum when it came to drugs/alcohol. There is a very clever plan (supremely) devised to deceive man kind and take all of mankind out.
There is a law/rule that says I must die. (Law of sin) As new creatures in Christ, we are not bound by that law, as believers.
The blood of Christ and His resurrection is ‘all’ that has delivered me, and will ‘keep’ me.
Did a devotion today in class, I wasn’t pleased with it… the delivery… because it wasn’t … sigh… I don’t know why… I didn’t like it. I don’t feel like I necessarily did wrong… the devotion was centered in Christ and His love for us… just wasn’t sure what parts needed to be snipped and what parts were beneficial to the class. Got ‘bombed-on’ today, in class, by the director– brain drew a blank…I immediately was ‘a little’ upset because I know the information I am supposed to know, but in that moment the words took flight. Shouldn’t cry over spilt milk, but it did turn under my skin; that I dropped the ball… failure is part of this journey we call ‘life’, but that is not to advocate for drinking/drugging, and/or relapse. As far as the things that used to so easily ‘beset’ me; or condemn me, to have me feeling ‘less than’, those things no longer have sway over my life… they are obstacles to propel me in my growth and relationship with Christ and others.
Talked with dad… did my best to keep it mature on my end… dad was warning me about this venture I’ll be going on, with ‘Homes of Hope’. He’s concerned for any challenges I may face on arriving there and the ‘new’ group of guys I’ll be living with… I’ve no doubt that each of the guys may have some stuff going on with them. (Outside of serving the Lord). I don’t want to feel doubt or worries or anything like that toward those guys… Just going full of hope, full of faith, devoted. I’d like to think that all the guys are serious about their relationships with the Lord… I’m not trying to be naive’, I just hope that, finally, I’ll be closer to a living environment where everyone around me is actually trying to serve the Lord. Then I can continue focusing on having a relationship with Christ, further developed. Then again, I suppose, everywhere we go… the devil shows his face when God allows him and we can grow through the trying of our faith… My only motive is to go to sleep tonight with some degree of peace.
Tired… know I’ve started many a days (nights) journal out just like this… “Tired.” Truly, I am… and I can not wait to rest these eyelids after a little reading. Power has just been restored. There’s been a lil’ bit of difficulty today, due to an accident that occurred on the highway (involving light pole.) Today, during the reunion event, there were some guys from Homes of Hope come over… it was good to see them and have them ask me about coming over… (to the program). I am excited to finally put some kind of substantial foundation together, which Christ hath built in me concerning salvation. Thank God for all the work He’s doing here, with those relationships, as well as with old relationships–> family relationship. (I spoke with my family today via phone.) Glad mom is safe. (Charlotte travel.) Glad to have had opportunity to use drawing as an opportunity to bring others joy… hopefully, I will continue to work on drawing people because it could seriously be an excellent method for sharing the Word and making an honest living… in time, with God’s direction…
The day is done… right before beginning to get some work done… I committed myself to playing a game of RISK… Risk is not a quick game. 2.5 hours have passed and I got no work done… I needed the break though… I needed the company… I was bummed out about the things that went on this week concerning Charlotte… I’m usually already on edge when it comes to any type of civil unrest, ( I think that’s what the riots would be called.) but my mom took a job in Charlotte 2 weeks ago and with the riots going on around where she works it could have… it was dangerous… people were shot, there was tear gas, things getting messed up, the National Guard was called in… it wasn’t nice, to say the least… it’s not even about people protesting anymore, (these days)… it’s about acting a fool and getting what you want… and life is composed of soo much more… but it’s not about that when all your life you’ve been being lied to and taught to believe the invalidness that is taught in society (America) today. No morals, no boundaries, just pleasure and desire and rage.
Mad as crap right now… knew this day was coming… it had to… but now that the day is approaching… it bugs the crap out of me… I’m mad as ‘esayecheyetee’… I’ve watched person after person graduate after getting put back in the original place they’d have been in after being set back, and they graduate as scheduled… I got set back 6 weeks, and everyone I would have graduated with is leaving in October… so I watched tonight, as ‘my group’ stood up and rehearsed the ‘graduates only’ song for the performance the entire community participates in, on graduation nights. It was and is a controlled anger… an anger outlined with understanding that acknowledges God’s working in my life; His control and purpose for my life… He has purposed that I will work for every cent of this vehicle… (which I metaphorically am dubbing the program.) I am working so as to pay full price for the vehicle that I may appreciate the work invested fully… If my counselors did not move me up, then it is not God’s will for my life, it is simple as that. I’ve still got a few (many) things to work on anyways… and more time here is definitely not going to hurt me.
Today has been a sick day. No class, no chapel, just eat, sleep, and read. It’s coming up fast; time that I will be leaving this place to begin another adventure… better yet, receive more training. I haven’t yet determined whether I will be going to this next establishment for sure, but it seems very likely. I’m just waiting on my interview. I’m becoming more content with the decision I’ve made to go to this program, I’ve also told my family; they are excited for me. I’m also excited. Still ‘under the weather’, nose screwed all the way up… can’t make it’s mind up which side to leak from. head feels better… I took some ibuprofen… still super-drowsy… hope I feel better in the morning… I don’t want to take anymore time out of class… prayed for *names of individuals here that are not associated with the program* last night. I couldn’t sleep… nose clogged up, so I went in a shower and turned the hot water on and found myself praying for these people because these were all people I was in direct contact with, that I represented Christ poorly to, in one way or another… I pray God’s will over their lives and that His Spirit would manifest itself in them. Truth is I’ve always wanted everyone to be okay… in maturing I’ve learned that doesn’t necessarily involve me in the least. They don’t need Corwin (me)… they need Jesus(You, Lord)