June 8, 2017

9:26pm

Working on the ‘vertical’… (relationship from God to self..) Jumped the gun today at work… I was tasked with getting some saw horses built to a specific standard… with four other very capable men and all I had to do was be patient and abide in Christ to see how everything was going to develop, to see God work… instead of bearing that and enduring, I made it my job to tell my instructors they need to establish who is going to do what and who was going to head-up the job… My feelings tell me that they are complacent at times- and they are comfortable, and they can afford to just kinda’ handle the day all ‘laxadaisy’ like… immediately my survival senses kicked in because one of my instructors stands near me a few days during the week, and prods me to lead and critiques every damn thing I do… (this is ‘worse-case’ scenario… he cares about us, but it’s pressure I’m not used to… the criticism sounds similar to something else; from the past, I guess, that apparently gets under my skin…) I’m used to my bosses (previous employers) telling me, “Damn, you did a hell of a job…” or ” if anyone has any questions about what we are doing, ask ‘him’… he knows what we are doing.” Or someone having me work with someone and I’m watching them–> helping them… NOT five guys who all are eager to work and think they know everything, or the best way to do something… so, instead of waiting to have my fear realized (fear of failure, dysfunction, chaos, all being pinned on the man who has been here the longest…) I told the instructors… “No, ya’ll need to A,B, and C”…. No trouble ensued, but it left me feeling empty because in more ways than one, I robbed myself… firstly, of an opportunity to see God work… to see how things may have unfolded…

Going to lay it down soon.. thank You God for helping me recognize the errors and helping me stand and not act rashly…

I did not trust my instructors and more importantly I did not trust You… forgive me Father… Thank You… for Your grace, mercy, and faithfulness.

 

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