February 15, 2017

9:20PM

     Auntie, never did I get to know you how I might have come to know you… the many nights of hardship you endured, the hurts that those walls witnessed in your house… I wasn’t present, at the hospitals, on the home-visits, at the funeral… no where to be found… when the man who was giving me the news of your ‘passing’ asked me, :were ya’ll close?” I felt like next to nothing… that was November 2012… in that moment I said, “Kernel, if you’re not going to get it together after all this, then you never will…” After going to my designated room and hollering as loud as I could– I felt worse… going back to the office of the director I told him verbatim, “I’m not going to work… take me wherever ya’ll take people when they leave here…” I was in a type of rehab…in Durham… long story short I had already done 2 and one half years at a rehab- got put out and went to this rehab in Old Fort, NC straight from there… left Old Fort to get dropped off in Asheville, NC and spent the next 3 years in a ‘tug-of-war’ relationship trying to create an image of me that would stand under the imagined scrutiny of my parents/family…an impossible task… if you were here Auntie… I would give you a big hug… I would sit with you and talk, and ask you if you needed anything… I’d apologize for that time I was sitting on your porch ‘drinking’ like it was okay. I know you are better and you are where it don’t hurt, you are in the presence of God… you are whole… with Him– I wonder what that is like and I know I will see you there… since I can’t just talk to you… I’m writing- cause it seemed like the only way… to get certain stuff out I’ve been keeping on my heart in some way, shape, or form… God knows how I feel better than I do… I’m not sure how things work in Heaven, but I want you, Oma, Opa, and Jacob to know- I love and miss each of you… I thank God for having spent any time I did with you and for the work He is doing in my life… You all can see so much clearer now how grace and mercy abounds… Thank you Lord for the words that were never said and a peace in this area of my life where words escape me.

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Author: clhemingwayii

How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that bringeth good tidings, that publisheth peace; that bringeth good tidings of good, that publisheth salvation; that saith unto Zion, Thy God reigneth! Isaiah 52:7(KJV)

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