November 18, 2016

7:58pm

     There is a pattern — live life- screw-up- Repeat…

Sin doesn’t feel good and it begets more sin… shame and guilt get to tearing at my heart. It’s selfish… sin is… and even now the feeling is of selfishness… that feeling that says ‘aww, you messed up… you messed up… I messed up… I feel so bad… might as well keep on going… tear it all down… God kept me and delivered me all day, I caressed the sin in my mind and rolled it over, again and again… until it was conceived… in selfishness I mumbled prayers and none of them seemed authentic… I ran it over and over ( the idea of sin.) and did what I knew not to. This is not me GIVING UP… this is me FED UP!!!!  I’m even sick of writing, if all I would do is keep reiterating how incapable things seem at times. Even that thought is selfish; ‘I’ am incapable, Christ is my strength, but He is not going to make me do anything. Life is real and I went to a place of disillusionment… scripture must be on my tongue and lip-service is worthless.

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