August 2, 2016

9:40ish pm

     Not going to get into how “I want to leave” because it has dawned on me, that, to think about leaving and what I would do while I am gone is to “be gone” already… I have left the program, time and time again, only to get high or drunk in my mind and all my mind want to impute, without effort, is getting high/drunk and having my way with a woman, some women… it takes a major effort to think of how many ways, this is not the answer, and won’t be rewarding. Whatever would ensue would be short-lived and would be a helluva burden afterward: guilt/shame/guilt/shame. My mind has left the program so many times I can’t count them… my mind is just waiting for my body to catch up it seems… I don’t blame God… or anyone… I am angry of my disobedience… I am angry of my ignorance, as a child… I am angry knowing drugs and alcohol could kill me is not enough to completely remove the ideas of using from my mind. I wrote a quote today that spoke of an individual not being able to surrender if they still see a way out of if they still think they can use successfully. I know in my heart that I can not… that it is not even worth me trying to find out… if I can… I don’t believe I can… I would be living for myself… and that’s not right…the fact of the matter is that this program is not even a long program- I have about 2.5 months left…then, it’s going to be on me, anyways… go get high or don’t get high… trust in the Lord and continue on into eternity with Him or harden myself that I can not receive His anointing, riches, or glory. I’m still here because I fear you Lord… I’m still here because I want what you have planned for me more than my own plans– thank you for renewing– thank you for renewing your Spirit within me. Thank you for helping me live life for real.

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