July 20, 2016

PM

     You want to know one thing that’s hard to do… be in a discipleship program and be taught all day unto night, the lessons of loving your brother and accepting your brother—sometimes I get fed the fuck up. God’s word says don’t sin in my anger… so what do I do when I feel this way– I am writing but I cursed… so now am I supposed to feel bad and like condemning myself… it’s like, who am I hurting!!? Am I hurting me??? I feel like I’m going to start throwing stuff and I curse deliberately because I want to capture fully the “heat” of what I am feeling– I don’t feel like using– I feel like not wanting to care and wanting to inflict harm “sooome”-where to mark that I am more than just a little irritable… what happened with my roommate was “crap!!: I don’t want to care that he was upset about what I said to him. I don’t want to care that I hurt his feelings.. I don’t want to care that he has issues. I don’t want to care about him at all because it seems like it’s hindering me…really… I am hindering myself when I try to interact with him. I don’t have to interact… I don’t have to speak with him… I don’t have to be rude to him either…from now on I will strictly conversate with him when he ask a question.If absolutely necessary I will speak with him. That’s absolutely it.

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