July 16, 2016

PM

     “Did you think about all the negative crap you usually think about daily?”… Yeah, okay…well, “did you take the time to sit back and meditate on what Christ has done for you?” No…”Did you think of what kind of things you should be grateful for?” NO.. so in what way can I be upset??? at why my thoughts have been f’d up??? I’ve been mad, frustrated, irritated, and aggravated considering how my thoughts have been a flood of negativity–sporadically, each day- for the past few weeks. Somewhere in the routine of being here .. my brokenness has hidden itself– what I thought was my prayers–is being tested and …O, how my faith is trembling… because I feel at odds with myself… all God ever did was love me, and everytime I defy what I know to be right, I feel like that’s me saying I don’t love God… evil rises up in me and the desire pulls at me with hooks digging into my back, neck, shoulders… drawn away– I look at the disappointment that it would bring in my family, in my heart; I hate feeling this way– and if I keep carrying round’ the cinderblock, I will continue to sink farther into the despair that welcomes me to it’s familiar comforts… I couldn’t believe, that, how I was living was ALL I’ve been called to in this life, and I can’t believe that all that has transpired has happened that I can tell MYSELF that it’s time to leave.

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