July 15, 2016

Afternoon, 12:45pm

     What can writing do? What can talking do?

For one, I’ve noticed that communicating does help me arrange my thoughts… and hearing some of the conclusions I arrive to, out loud, are more beneficial than mulling over them in the weeds and brush that engulf them in my mind. Hope that this realization has surfaced at a time where it can be of optimal assistance to the life I’ve been working toward. What life is that??? Because I feel like a tossed quarter some of the time. Like I have no idea how I am going to land. i don’t feel like I have an option sometimes. If there is an option, there is Heaven and then hell. There is life and then death and that’s only if I am seeking Christ. if I do contrary to the Word I am “turning back” on God… and with that comes all kinds of condemnation. (In myself) Guilt accompanying hate and feelings of being a quitter or a failure. See, my head was bent on leaving this morning after certain things were brought to my attention by the staff. They gave me the impression that they thing I am not really interested in being here… that is disturbing to me– it feels like all I am seeking by being lived in vanity. This is a lie from the enemy, and the answer is to be still… BE STILL… in the face of the odds, against all the whispers that say, “you’re losing” and all the temptation that is calling me to their grips… I don’t want to die “running”, Jesus was talked about, and this is much less than what I’m going through. That’s one thing I forget when I get into the pattern of rash-decision making.

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