July 12, 2016

9:47 pm

     Put two letters in the mail today… one for my aunt..one for 2 of my brothers. Hope both of the letters find them well. Haven’t spoke to my aunt in a little while… I know she loves and cares about me… and my bros. and I hope she is doing well. She has never been, like, “evil” toward me— evil just rises up within me when I think of her… and what her thoughts (her real) thoughts are toward me and all the crap I’ve put my grandparents through. (which would be her parents.) My brothers will get their letter and my desire is that they cherish those letters… that they would mean something to them. I resent that I’ve been their LOSER older brother… I worked really hard… I did what I had to from the street up to a plateau of satisfaction and the minute I felt that I had it all laid out and “figured things” out (life) and tasted of pride- the “bottom” fell out and washed the whole house away… the house was broken and built on the sand of a murky beach. Christ saw me and He kept me but He also let me break everything, and lose everything of which I did not sacrifice to Him… it was painful and with each day of growth I sense an ego that desires to be exalted above all that the Lord has done in my life, but my will is of the Lord and soon enough that old man will die a permanent death — when Christ should return for all that have been awaiting His glory.

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