Thursday 8:46 p.m.
Currently discussing with my mentor all that is/has been going on today and what some of my defects are… Such as being short-tempered and having this disabling effect occur to me whenever I fall short of my own expectations… now this is an interesting thought. I’ve never thought of one of my “brain cramps” as being -me falling short of my own expectations.For the longest time my brain told me via experience that if I was not successfully gaining ground on obtaining a wife, kids, house, car, etc. then I was doing something wrong. My whole life! Does this not sound completely wrong!? It sound totally messed up to me now. Mom and dad’s actions had a serious effect on my head -“growing up”..understandably… Now I get the added knowledge that it was never Dad’s plan for me to even get born… but because I was born, it became necessary for his plans to ultimately come to a skidding halt, so he could be with my mom and we could be a “family”, this was not a smooth transition, to say the least, for him. I love my dad, and I know… ultimately- him and my mom have to be forgiven, just hope that one day we can openly talk about all these things… I’m tired of feeling like I am supposed to ignore the crap and shovel it “under the rug”, and at the same time feel the burden of glaring attitudes that say, “who cares about all that stuff? Move on and start doing better with Your Own life.”