Does evil not beget evil? On come the feelings of guilt, of shame, of resentment of all cares being thrown into my face and snatched through a window that is so small and invisible, there is no direction, distinct, that I can recognize how I may pull those cares back… sometimes I want to be everything but me. Screaming for whatever opportunities bleed…. not the opportunity, but whatever leaks from their “cold lifeless bodies”– because that’s what I have covering my hands…Not blood…if i have blood on my hands…well, sometimes it is there also… all over me… nothing can go right… I feel that way at times… and life is growing short–similar to wilting blooms and dying buds. God loves us and He does int in a way I surely can not understand. Every time I sin- I believe lies. I’m on probation… wanting to leave sometimes is the “normalcy”… it would seem, but at best that’s more than insane… this is life, this is living… beautiful and treacherous, and amazing all at once. Life comes complete with high stakes and rewards. The old saying that has been going around lately has been that “people cannot choose their consequences, only their actions.” I wish that had been on my mind when I damaged a few relationships today. Hopefully it wasn’t irreparably, and things change. If not then I can add that to a list of crap that I can’t handle and surrendered to God.