June 26, 2016

Why ask why? HaHa! I do it anyways… why do I despair? I know how and why it’s happening… it’s because I’m playing with the damn ideas. Wanna get high, wanna get drunk… want to chase women, this crap is getting old, and I can’t beat sin by getting high. Our sermon tonight was on chasing the world (happiness) and how we won’t find it there. I’m doing all I can to continue to be broken and continue to draw nearer, but how can I be “in” fellowship when my heart contemplates, desires, and meditates on evil? Get down on my knees to pray–get up to go to church, this is not easy… the healthier I get, my head says, “you’re fine.” I know that is “crap”, for me to leave anyways would make me nothing short of being a sociopath. Days–things work out and then they don’t. Even the word speaks of the day of adversity and when men would turn from God. The Bible says that those men’s strength is weak, I admit that, I’ve been submissive, and I just want the sin to go. I’m learning that’s not how this works. The sin doesn’t go anywhere, it stays, and God uses us, but God allows our faith to be tried in order to strengthen our faith… this is uncomfortable, but it must be endured… I mean, I could take my chances, but ‘damn’! Who? wants to turn their back on the grace and mercy that the ONLY LIVING GOD there is has bestowed… What the heck… I get down, I pray, I get renewed- I walk out in the hallway and get ‘crap! and my counselor says I’m trying to be perfect….where the hell is middleground?!!! there isn’t…


Author: clhemingwayii

How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that bringeth good tidings, that publisheth peace; that bringeth good tidings of good, that publisheth salvation; that saith unto Zion, Thy God reigneth! Isaiah 52:7(KJV)

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