Father’s Day (Sunday)
I feel okay about being here… I was tired and feeling negative– spoke with some people reassured myself of my being here and took a nap… I wasn’t doing anything but grieving about my stupid, ignorant, idiotic drug-use.. I hate that guy!!– the guy that wants to get high and drink… I robbed myself of sooo much time… years…opportunities.. it makes me sick…that even right now I want to cuss and scream and shout–thinking about it. I went to sleep and woke up realizing I need to do this (journal) and got invited to a bible study. I went to the bible study and me and those guys there had a discussion about people who say whether they are an addict or alcoholic during 12 step meetings– or whether they say something else all together. That discussion added to my frustration to some degree.
Feeling a little better now. Once, I got my thoughts focused on some other things I became able and willing to not feel so upset. Thankfully I was able to talk to my dad today… it’s Father’s Day and it was good to speak to him and my mom. My brothers made it home from being out of town. I am very happy for that. I worry about my whole family, I keep wanting everything to emerge perfect… I have to stay focused… and devote the focus on God… not too much on the future, or of things out of my control.