June 16, 2016

It’s the night of the NBA Finals… I’d normally go check that out… something of that magnitude. (Superbowl, etc.) But I lost my privileges Monday. The funny thing is that I watched no basketball games this whole season. It’s nothing to be upset about, though. The same reason I am up right now… (neglect of my duties) is the same thing that will mess me up in the future if I don’t take care of it. I waited all day… now I’m ready to go to sleep, but I committed myself to doing my journal–so I’m doing it, but the fact that I forgot about doing it all day… “that’s no good.” I feel pretty good today though. Still striving through fits of craving… either drinking, women, or drugs. Especially when it starts getting late and the moon comes out. I end up wanting to go out. There was a graduation ceremony held for the program today and afterward I saw a ‘not-so likely” couple on a moped riding down the street and thought to myself– they are probably going to go get high… and have sex– and just do stuff I wish I had no desire to do… I didn’t want to go do those things right then… but I did notice how I felt there was twinge of jealousy which is so ridiculous it makes me want to be sick… I don’t want to desire my old life anymore, but it’s waiting on me always… to give in. I hate it, is this what I embrace!?

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