June 15, 2016

PM

     Today was reasonably good, in reference to my thoughts… I thought about good things… I learned a lot– a few different things on leadership and trudging on ” in light” of normal everyday routine… my struggle today, I noticed, involved women… I used to tell myself I love women, well, in all-reality; I do… I love how women sound- I love how they can be tender-hearted and caring and “all-together” womanly. I don’t  know when I started feeling that strangeness in me concerning women… whether it was, viewing the relationships in movies or what… I don’t know… but eventually I found out what we could do to each other and discovered all the ill, unholy, bullcrap we could do to destroy one another… Now with me trying to get closer to God and not using drugs– my body and ego are sex-fueled and hungry. I want to look away from and steer clear of every woman I meet for fear of disrespecting them in my mind. That’s an awful way to live and it is not “freedom”. If Christ makes me free then I am free indeed. I get choked up anytime some women come around, all because the way I have been treating them and taking advantage of them. I was wrong and my view of women was wrong… “still is now..” so I have to spend some time allowing god to change that… and trusting in Him. Cause my perversion is a great hindrance to me in my relationship to God.

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