After eating lunch. Back in my room, laying on my bed.. not sure I can.. but I heard whispers of being allowed to lay down after 1p.m. It’s about that time now. Been working on committing some more verse to memory.. which makes me happy… the more scripture I lean, the more chance I have to develop a relationship with the Lord and better recognize my purpose and the more direction I will have. The more time I spend here, the more selfish I believe I’ve been in life. I’ve been asking God to totally re-create my heart, cleanse it, and just “make it better.” I’ve put myself through so much, it’s like I hardly suffer any real emotion. I want to feel again, and I want to accept that things between the Lord and I are fine… but I find my head and heart wandering everyday to try and find a way to keep me stagnant in my recovery. I want to live, I don’t want to die. I want to live, not just get high/drunk. That is stupid… I want to be happy just loving God… but I’m not… I’m desperate right now… I want to have chosen Christ by my own free will… and with that, be content.